


The Year We Learned to Live

by UndeniableMiconceptions (CatsayzRAWR)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Bucket List, Cute boys, Depression, Drugs, Drunken Confessions, Drunken promises, Emotions, F/F, F/M, Fighting, Laughter, Lots of Angst, Love, M/M, Music, Pain, Parties, Road Trips, Self Harm, Slow Build, Smut, Substance Abuse, Tears, alchohal, also lots of gay sex, angry boys, be excited, dichromatic eren, i'm excited, learning to love, like all of the emotions, lots of emtions, self-hate, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 21:36:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3426416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatsayzRAWR/pseuds/UndeniableMiconceptions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren has changed since his mother's death. The spark in his eye is gone, and so is his will to live. Dealing with an abusive father, depression, self-hate, and suicidal thoughts, the boy is beginning to spiral out of control.</p><p>Jean has noticed the change in Eren, and he decides to reach out to him in an attempt to save him. He doesn't know why he does it, but he does.</p><p>Maybe together, the two can learn to laugh a little louder, cry a little harder, and love like there's no tomorrow. Maybe together, the two can learn to live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

            Eren walked unlocked the door to his home quietly, hoping that his father was already asleep. Upon entering though, he realized he wouldn’t be so lucky today.

            The exhausted boy was immediately assaulted by the stench of alcohol, and he closed the door gently, hoping to escape to his room without being seen. He had homework to do and had had to work late that night. So he just wanted to escape to sanctity of his bedroom in peace.

            He hung up his key and hiked his backpack up on his shoulder, heading for the stairs as quickly as possible. But he didn’t make it in time-

            “Why the fuck are you home so late you piece of shit?” Grisha Jaeger snarled, entering the room with beer in hand, “Busy sucking off some faggot behind the gay bar.”

            He laughed at his own joke, slushing beer down his front in the process. He tipped the bottle back, chugging half of it while Eren watched in disgust as it ran down his chin.

            “I was working the late shift.” He replied, hoping that it would be enough for the man to leave him alone.

            That wasn’t going to be the case this time, “You’re a lying piece of shit.” He accused, slamming the bottle down onto the table and stocking towards the boy. Eren watched warily, already anticipating what would happen next.

            His body slammed into the wall with the force of the shove, and his bag fell to the ground, “I bet your ‘work’ is down on the corner, fucking any twat that’ll toss you a penny.” He scoffed, punching Eren in the stomach.

            Eren felt the breath rush out of his lungs, pain shooting through his body. He could have easily blocked the drunken punch, but instead, he just let his father beat him.

            “Mommy’s not here to protect the little freak of a faggot now, is she.” He laughed, “She probably hated you as much as I do. I bet it broke her heart to see those fucked up eyes and know that on top of that you were a freak of nature. That’s why she jumped.”

            Eren winced, feeling tears sting his eyes at the mention of his mother. His father continued to beat him senseless, and he took it. Because he felt he deserved every cruel word, and every painful blow that was dealt to him. So he allowed his father to hit and kick and shove him until the man had gotten his fill.

            He knew that his father would grow bored with him eventually and walk away, and he did.

            “You disgust me.” He spat, leaving Eren on the floor where he lay barely conscious and covered in cuts and bruises. The man picked up his beer and disappeared into another room of the house.

            _I’m sorry mom…_

            The boy stood up, wincing at the pain, and he picked his bag back up before stumbling up the stairs to his bedroom. Upon entering the room, the brunet dropped his bag onto the desk chair before collapsing onto his bed. For a few moments, he just lay there, allowing the remainder of the tears to leak from his eyes. Then he sat up and unlaced his shoes, kicking them off before doing the same with his work uniform.

            Once he had pulled on his sweats, he sighed and looked up at the door, “Are you just going to stand there Mika, or are you gonna come in?” He asked, mismatched orbs of blue and green meeting twin greys.

            The black haired girl stood in the doorway a moment longer before entering with her first aid kit in hand. She sat down next to Eren and looked over the cuts and blossoming bruises with a cold fury in her eyes.

            “Why do you let him do this to you?” She asked, voice calm, but only to hide he bubbling fury, “You could easily overpower him.”

            When he just looked down at his hands instead of responding to his adopted sister, she just sighed. This was how it had been for a few months now, ever since Carla had passed. She would hear the noise from her room, and when things had settled, she would treat his wounds and ask the same question. She never got a response.

            The one time that he had fought back and beat Grisha senseless was the day he had tried to direct his drunken fury at Mikasa. She could have defended herself just fine, but just the fact that Grisha had attempted to lay a finger on her had spurred Eren into an uncontrollable fury. Since then, the man had only ever tried to hurt Eren.

            “You can’t keep letting him do this to you.” She said softly, cleaning the few cuts and then spreading the cream onto the bruises.

Once she was done, she pulled him into an embrace, “You can’t blame yourself and punish yourself this way Eren.” Then she stood up to leave the room.

“I’ll come in tomorrow after your shower to wrap your chest and stomach and cover the bruises.” She said softly, then she was gone.

Eren sighed softly, watching his door shut behind her. Then he stood up and moved his bag from his desk chair so he could sit down in it. Then he pulled out his laptop, opening it up and powering it up so he could work on his assignments. He had to do a graphic organizer for history, work on his English essay and complete his math assignment. So basically, it was going to be another sleepless night.

“I guess I should get started.” He said, grabbing his headphones and securing them over his ears. He blasted his music to full volume and began to type away.

 

He woke up the next morning to his phone alarm blaring under his face loudly, and sat up with a groan. His entire body hurt, but more his chest and abdomen than anything else. The sleepy eyed boy stood up unsteadily, and the pain sent a shock of nausea through his body. He sprinted for the bathroom, leaning over the toilet and vomiting stomach acid into the toilet violently.

It took 5 minutes for him to stop throwing up, and he flushed the toilet, skin sheeted in perspiration from the affair. He wiped his mouth on a tan arm, and turned on the shower before moving to the sink to brush his teeth. Once the taste of acid was removed from his mouth, he moved towards the tub, moving aside the curtains as he stepped into the steamy spray. He sighed at the feeling of the hot water, enjoying the way it felt on his skin.

He picked up his bottle of shampoo, revealing the razorblade he left beneath it. He examined the small piece of metal for a moment before lifting his wrist and dragging the blade across it slowly. The sting made him wince, but a small smile touched his lips at the feeling of exhilaration that came with the slitting of his wrist. The world came into focus as he watched the line of crimson appear on his skin in fascination. In that moment, he felt something other than the numbness that consumed his entire being, and it made him smile in satisfaction.

He watched a stream of water blur with the blood, and the focus was broken. He rinsed away the red and added two more slits to his ever growing collection before he began to wash his hair. After his little ritual was over, he took a regular shower, cleaning himself thoroughly before turning the water off and stepping out. He toweled off quickly, and placed some cotton gauze over the cuts before wrapping his wrists and hands with his boxing wrap as per usual. Then he threw on his boxers and jeans before walking over to Mikasa’s room to have her cover the purplish bruising that covered his chest and stomach.

When he entered the room, he offered her a small smile, “Would you mind helping me wrap Mika?” He asked softly, watching her set down her brush. Grey orbs surveyed the damage and narrowed unhappily.

“You know I will always help you with whatever you need, Eren.” She said calmly, walking over to her dresser and pulling out the first aid kit, “You’re cutting again, aren’t you?” She asked.

Eren let out a bitter sounding chuckle, “I can never get anything past those sharp eyes of yours, can I?” Eren said, confirming the girl’s assumption without saying it outright.

She looked at him sharply, eyes flashing in anger, “It’s not funny that you’re hurting yourself Eren.” She snapped, eyes narrowing as she stared him down.

It was a gaze he used to cower from, but nowadays, it just caused a sad smile to grace his lips, “I’m sorry Mikasa, I didn’t mean to upset you.” He said softly, pulling her into a hug, “You’re right, I won’t laugh about it again.”

The raven haired girl’s eyes softened at the words and embrace, and she held him tight, “You’re my brother Eren. I don’t want you to hurt like this.” She said, pulling back. Then she pulled the gauze out of the kit and began to wrap over the brunet’s bruises, hiding them from sight with practiced accuracy.

“I don’t want you to hurt _yourself_ this way.” She added, voice sad and soft as she finished.

“I’m sorry…” was all Eren could say, “I’ll be ready in a few minutes.”

Then he exited the room, leaving the sad gaze on the face of his adopted sister behind him as he returned to his own bedroom. Once in his own bedroom, the brunet dug a t-shirt out of his dresser, pulling the dark fabric on over his head before grabbing his leather jacket. Once he was fully clothed, the boy grabbed his wallet, phone, and keys, and slung his bag over his shoulder.

He made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, freezing upon seeing his father. Grisha Jaeger looked like a whole different man, dressed in a perfectly pleated grey suit and a black overcoat. He looked up when Eren entered, facial expression not changing.

“Good morning Eren.” He said casually, as though nothing had happened the night before, “I’ll be leaving for a week or so for another research project.”

Eren nodded, joining Mikasa where she sat quietly at the table eating an apple. He picked up and banana, peeling it and taking a bit without so much as a word to Grisha, “I will be wiring money over to your accounts so you can buy food and whatever else you need.” He continued, picking up his briefcase and suitcase.

“Don’t get into any trouble.” He finished, walking towards the front door, “I will call to check on you in a few days.”

Then he was gone.

Eren sighed in relief, knowing that with his father gone for a week, he’d have a break from the beatings. He turned to Mikasa and smiled, “Wanna have everyone over on Friday?” He asked happily, “It’s been awhile since we got to host a get together.”

Mikasa nodded, finishing up her apple and walking over to the sink to wash her hands, “That could be fun.” She said, voice soft and calm, as per usual. Eren could sense the undertones of worry in the way she spoke to him, but he ignored it.

He knew that she worried for him and his mental and physical health; and he felt as though he was a burden to her. So he would do his best to act fine around her, even if he knew that she could tell that he was far from okay.

Eren finished off his banana quickly and got up to discard the peel. Then he walked to the fridge and grabbed two waters to bring with him for school and soccer practice. He put them into his bag before hiking it back onto his shoulder with a slight wince. The brunet tried to brush it off, but he knew the sharp grey eyes had caught the small movement.

“Why do you let this happen to you?” Mikasa asked sharply, “Why don’t you fight back or let someone help?”

“I don’t need help.” Eren said calmly, “I deserve to be beaten, and as long as I take the beatings you’re safe.”

Then he turned on his heel and headed towards the front door, “I’m not talking about it anymore. So let’s go before we’re late.” He said firmly.

Mikasa was far from done on the subject, but she knew that attempting to talk to him at the moment would be a futile effort, so she followed him out to the car in silence.

Once the two had buckled themselves in, Eren turned on the stereo to drown out the silence, and they headed for the school with a slight tension in the air. Once they had arrived, they got out of the car and Eren walked over to Mikasa and pulled her into a soft hug, “I’m sorry that I worry you.” He said. Then he walked off without another word.

Grey eyes stared after him, brimming with concern for his brother. But she knew that she couldn’t help him until he was willing to accept help, so she headed for the school building as well.

 

            Eren tried his best to pay attention during his classes, but due to his lack of sleep and mental state, he often found it hard to focus. Instead of focusing as he should, he would end up just staring at his laptop blankly or doodling on his papers. He still did well in school; he had his best friend Armin and Mikasa to help him with his assignments. But when he was in class, he often got in trouble for not paying attention.

            “Jaeger!” Professor Pyxis snapped, “I need you to pay attention when I’m teaching.”

            The brunet looked up at his favorite teacher apologetically, “Sorry professor.” He said, sitting up straight and fixing his eyes on the board.

            To his right, he heard a few snickers, but he didn’t bother to look and see who they were coming from. He could tell that it was Connie and Jean, so he just rolled his eyes.

            “Springer! Kirschstein! Knock it off.” The bald man commanded, voice loud and authorative. The two boys shut their mouths instantaneously.

            Eren smirked, still able to find some semblance of joy in hearing Kirschstein reprimanded. The ashen haired boy glared at Eren, seeing the smirk on his lips and internally blaming the brunet for the fact that he’d been reprimanded.

            “Wipe that smirk off your face Jaeger.” He hissed at the other boy. But Eren blatantly ignored him, further angering the boy.

            There was something about Eren in general that just seemed to rub Jean the wrong way, be it the way he walked or the way he talked. They always seemed to be fighting with one another, even if they were decent friends. It was a part of their relationship and had improved since they were younger.

            When the two were in middle school, they constantly got into very physical fights, reserving them their own two personal seats in the office. They still fought now, but their fights had become less physical, especially recently.

            After Eren’s mother had… passed. The boy had become far less confrontational. In fact, it had been aa while since the two had actually gotten into an argument, let alone a full blown fight. Maybe that’s just what the brunet needed.

            Once the class period had ended, Jean waited outside the classroom, door as per usual, but this time, he planned to try and get Eren to finally show some kind of emotion. When the brunet walked out, Jean grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against the wall roughly.

            The brunet winced at the pain that shot through his body, but allowed the back of his head to hit the wall with a painful thud. His mismatched eyes met narrow golden hues with a lack of emotion.

            “Can I help you Kirschstein?” He asked in a calm voice, arms limp at his sides. He wasn’t even attempting to fight back.

            “What the fuck has been with you lately Eren?” the boy asked, agitated at the lack of response, “What happened to your fight?”

            Eren just stared at him, eyes maintaining their emotionless gaze, “Nothing is ‘with me’, now if you’d let me down, I have a class to get to.”

            A small crowd had surrounded them by this time, and Jean stared into the dull, lifeless orbs, “Make me.” He said, challenging the boy.

            Eren just stared at him, facial expression lacking any sort of emotion, “Please let go me.” He said, eyes widening a fraction when he got a flash of Grisha in Jean’s place. He winced away, squeezing his eyes shut, “Please stop…” he whispered, voice sounding pained and small.

            Jean, taken aback by the sudden change in attitude, released Eren and watched him sink to the ground. _What happened to you..._

Jean actually knelt in front of him, a look of concern on his face, “Eren…” He said, voice soft. The bell rang and the crowd dispersed, heading for their classes, but Jean stayed. Eren had hidden his face in his arms and curled into a ball, and frankly, the taller boy was unsure of how to react.

            _I shouldn’t have tried to get him to respond_ , “Eren… Hey… You’re alright. I’m sorry…” Jean said softly, trying to tug tan arms away from the boy’s face.

            Shock colored his own features when Eren looked up at him, face filled with despair. Bright eyes filled with unshed tears met the golden ones once more, and then looked away. Tan lids slid shut and hid the orbs from sight, then reopened revealing the dull emotional orbs once again. He stood up carefully, face composed, and watched Jean copy the movement.

            “I should get to class.” Eren said, refusing to acknowledge what’d just occurred, “I’ll see you at practice.”

            Then he walked away swiftly, leaving those amber hues staring after him. Jean was dumbstruck to say the least. He couldn’t wrap his head around what had just happened.

And _fuck_ did it piss him off.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean confronts Eren in the locker room. Angst and confusing emotions ensue.

Chapter 2

The remainder of the school day passed without incidence. Eren went from class to class with his expression carefully composed into a fixed smile and eyes dull and lifeless, as had become normal since his mother’s passing. Jean stormed about in a bad mood, not really knowing why he was feeling so angry.

After school, Jean walked to the locker room to change into his work-out clothes for boxing practice. When he walked in, the only other male in the room was Eren.

 _Of course he’s the only one in here_ , the boy thought, shaking his head, _just my luck…_

The boy walked over to his locker; five lockers away from where the brunet stood undressing. He spun the combination lock, opening his own locker without speaking a word to the brunet. He couldn’t, however, stop curious eyes from wandering over to the German boy.  He was surprised to see the torso wrapped in white gauze, and he couldn’t help but sneer.

“Trying to look tough, all wrapped up Jaeger?”

He didn’t want to be a jerk, per se; he just wanted to elicit some sort of response from the boy. And when he did, he couldn’t help but smirk a bit.

The brunet stiffened and turned to Jean, eyes narrowed slightly, “Yeah Jean, I wanna look ‘tough’” He spat, “That’s why I try to get here ahead of time to change before anyone can see.”

Jean’s smirk melted into a look of confusion as the brunet shoved on his t-shirt, “Is that what you wanted _Jean,_ a response? Satisfied yet?” Then the brunet slammed his locker shut and walked out of the locker room.

He was pissed off at himself for cracking, but the way Jean had _said_ that; as though Eren was proud or gloating. The brunet shook his head and recomposed himself. It’s not like Jean knew or understood what he was going through. But still, the fact that he’d assumed something so ludicrous made Eren mad.

_Does he really think so lowly of me?_

_Does everyone…_

“Fuck it.” He muttered fiercely, placing his arm strap on and attaching his phone to it. Once he had plugged his headphones in and had his loud, punk rock music blasting in his ears, he started to jog warm up laps.

One of the only ways that he was able to let off steam was through his running and boxing. It was the only time he would truly let the turmoil of emotions that ate at his mind take control. He felt a sort of relief with the way his breathing would grow ragged as he ran. And there was a freedom he found in the feeling of the world rushing past him in a blur. It was almost peaceful for him, because he felt as though the world around him no longer existed.

Jean had finished changing and was stretching near the bleachers, watching Eren run the track. There was a familiarity in the way the brunet was running, eyes full of fire and feet pounding the ground. Jean smiled, realizing that even with whatever was going on in the boy’s life, there was still a hint of the old Eren hidden beneath the emotionless mask. Jean found himself watching the way the boy’s chest rose and fell evenly as he ran, gold eyes searching his body for any sign of what could have caused his change in personality.

Although he found nothing, it was still difficult for him to look away from the boy. He watched as the tan skin became sheened in sweat, and how the sinewy muscles in the strong legs tense and ripple-

The ashen haired boy snapped out of his daze and found himself flushing as he turned back to his stretching. He couldn’t allow himself to be caught staring- not that he had been!

Jean shook his head and was about to stand up and start his laps when Connie popped up out of go-knows-where and clapped a hand on his shoulder.

The boy started in surprise, causing the short boy to laugh, “What’s wrong pony boy, did I interrupt some fantasy about Mikasa?”

Jean immediately flushed magenta and slapped the other boy’s hand away as he stood up. He brushed himself off and elbowed Connie in the ribs, “Shut the fuck up Connie, I wasn’t evern thinking of Mikasa.” He defended

_I was thinking of Eren…_

The taller boy shook off that thought and glared at Connie as though he had been the one to implant the thought into his mind. Then he took off to run his warm up mile.

Still, he couldn’t help glancing towards the weight room to see the brunet disappear behind a closing door. He shook off any other thoughts and decided to concentrate on his pace.

 

In the weight room, Eren was still working. He wanted to have his entire warm up done by the time the rest of the team got there so that he could start drills early. So he started in on his list; 20squats, 20 push-ups, 40 sit ups, 60 crunches, 20 more push-ups, 20 more crunches, and then a final 10 push-ups. He knew that it would be painful due to his bruising, but he didn’t care. He wanted to feel the dull, burning pain that would overtake his body.

Huffed breaths escaped full lips as he tensed his muscles, doing the exercises with speed and efficiency. The fast, angry beat of ‘Animal I have become’ filled his head and every inch of his being, echoing I his fast movements. The words resonated deep inside of him, spreading to every fiber of his being as he was brought to life by the anger and hatred so alight in his soul.

Jean and Connie walked into the weight room when Eren was on his last set of push-ups. Connie was going on about something at Jean’s side, but all of the taller boy’s attention was directed at the German boy. He watched the muscles in the tan arms stretch and tense under the strain of he exercise, sweat sheening the bronze skin.

“He has to be dying of heat under that t-Shirt.” Connie commented, looking at the boy incredulously and snapping Jean out of his thoughts. The taller boy nodded.

“Yeah…” He agreed, knowing that under the shirt was a layer of tightly wrapped gauze. He couldn’t figure out for the life of him why Eren would go to such lengths to hide the fact he was wearing gauze. He also couldn’t help but wonder what the white cotton was hiding from his curious gaze.

Eren stood up upon finishing his set, and their eyes met for a brief moment. Jean saw something in those eyes that made him feel something unrecognizable. It was a very vivid spike of self-loathing that he had noticed in the mismatched orbs before the contact was broken. Where had that emotion come from? Had he imagined it for that split second? Why-

“Alright punks, let’s get started on the drills.” Coach Hannes said, walking into the room with a large grin on his face. Jean’s thoughts were interrupted, and he decided to shake them off and concentrate on practice.

The rest of the team had wondered in while Jean was lost in his thoughts, and they milled about, discussing various things. Meanwhile, Connie was still yammering away in his ear, oblivious to the fact that he’d been being ignored.

“-So are you going to go?” The hyper boy asked with a gring.

Jean just looked at him, confusion prevalent in his expression, “What the fuck are you even talking about Connie?” He asked, annoyance ringing in his tone.

“There’s gonna be a kickback at Eren and Mikasa’s on Friday.” Connie said, annoyed. He had finally caught onto the fact that Jean had been ignoring him and was slightly offended, “You know, it’s rude to ignore people when they’re talking.”

Jean just rolled his eyes and directed his attention to the coach.

“We’re gonna pair off and practice the core hits on the pads.” Hannes said, “Then you’ll practice sparring.”

Just then, Marco walked in, striding over to Jean and Connie with a cute grin, “Sorry I’m late, I was talking to my Biology teacher.” He said apologetically.

Hannes just waved the freckled boy off and continued to speak, “I’m going to pair you off, and we’ll switch pairs halfway through practice.” He said.

“Mikasa, you’re paired with Eren. Annie is with Connie. Marco is with Jean. Reiner is paired with Bertl. Thomas, you’re with Mina.” He said, watching the pairs move to stand with one another.

“You’ll use the pads to practice swings for the first hour. The second hour I’m going to pair you off again and you’ll be sparring. The last thirty minutes will be spent with your cool down work out.” He said, “I’ll be walking around and helping each pair.”

Ten minutes later, the pairs were spread out through the room, half of the team holding punching pads and the other half working on technique. Jean held the pad for Marco, but he kept allowing his eyes to wander over to where Eren wan slamming his fists angrily into the black pad with accuracy and force. After about ten minutes, Marco finally spoke up.

“What’s on your mind, Jean?” He asked in a soft voice, “Are you worried about him.”

Jean’s eyes snapped up to the kind, brown eyes of his best friend, and his flushed slightly, “Everyone’s worried about him.” He said quickly, biting the inside of his cheek.

“You haven’t stopped looking at him since we started, Jean, I’m your best friend. I can tell when something is up with you.” He said, continuing to work on his right hook, “So spill, what happened.”

Jean sighed, knowing that Marco wouldn’t relent until the ashen haired boy told him what was on his mind. He also knew that he couldn’t lie to the freckled boy, because he would see right through it. So he went ahead and told him about what had happened in the hallway. Then he went further to talk about the confrontation in the locker room.

Marco listened through the whole explanation, and then he paused in his movements and glanced over at the brunet curiously. Lips pursed, and he placed a hand on his hip, “That _is_ pretty strange.” He said thoughtfully. Then Eren looked up and met those brown eyes, his own orbs lacking any luster. Marco was taken aback. How could those eyes be that of their childhood fried.

“Something is definitely up.” Marco said, worry filtering into his own voice, “I’ll ask Armin about it later on.”

Jean smiled at his friend, “You’re always so concerned for everyone.” He said, “Poor mommy Marco.”

The taller of the two could tell that Jean was just trying to lighten up, and he smiled softly, “Why don’t you stay after today and try to talk to him?” he suggested.

The ashen haired boy scoffed, “Oh yeah, ‘cause you know we get along _so_ well.” If anything, Jean had always been the one that Eren fought with.

“I know that you care about him Jean.” Marco said with a raised brow, “And even if you guys do fight, you’re still one of his close friends.”

Jean flushed again and looked down, ”Whatever.” He muttered, “Just get back to your drills so we can switch.” He grumbled.

The boy dared one more glance at the brunet and found himself looking straight into the mismatched orbs. There was a flicker of something unidentifiable deep in the dead orbs, but Jean looked away too quickly to figure out what it was.

 

The rest of practice went by uneventfully, and once it was over, Jean headed into the locker room to shower with the rest of the guys. The only one who didn’t join them was Eren, he headed out to the track to do his extra laps like he did after every practice.

The brunet always jogged and extra two miles after practice so that he could be sure that all of the other guys were out of the showers by the time he went inside. He couldn’t very well allow them to see his bruises.

Mikasa jogged with him since they had to ride home together, but the two didn’t speak. They each kept their ear buds in, running together in silence. It wasn’t awkward; in fact, it seemed almost natural that they did this together after every practice. The two were the team’s best fighters, after all.

Today was different though. Unbeknownst to Eren, Jean waited in the locker room for him. So when he finished his laps and entered the locker room, he was unaware of the other boy’s presence. The brunet walked right past the other without noticing him and too his locker while Jean looked on with interest. Then he noticed Eren’s headphones still in his ears. Instead of catching his attention,  he decided to wait until he was noticed.

The headphones came out, and the shirt came off. Then the boy began to unwrap all of the gauze that stretched across his torso. As the white tendrils slipped from his body and fell to the floor, Jean let out a gasp, causing Eren’s head to snap up in panic. Mismatched orbs landed of Jean and widened in shock.

The purplish bruises that splotched across his torso and shoulders were exposed, and Jean felt his visage go red.

Without even realizing he had moved, he was in front of Eren, towering over the German, “Why were you hiding it.” He said, voice low and angry.

Eren snapped out of his shocked stupor at the angry tone, He shoved Jean back, finding it hard to breathe with him so close, “It’s not your fucking business.” He snapped, trying to bite back tears.

_I keep making people angry…_

_My friends…_

Jean stepped back forward and took Eren’s face in his hands, “What the fuck have you been doing?” He demanded, “This isn’t some sort of dumb as fuck fight club shit right?”

Eren shoved him away again, “Why the fuck do you care anyways.” He snarled, fury in his eyes. The emotion was something that shocked Jean, “You don’t give a fuck about me.”

He pushed past the taller boy and headed for the shower, “Don’t you fucking dare tell anyone.” He growled, it’s not your business.

Jean grabbed him by the shoulder, regretting it instantly the moment he heard a pained gasp leave the boy’s lips. He let go of the shoulder and instead grabbed a tan forearm, pulling Eren back, “What the fuck has been going on with you Jaeger?” He demanded

“Everyone is fucking worried about you and it’s like you don’t even care!” Now Jean was angry. The brunet was acting so strangely with no explanation, and Jean wanted to know why.

“You’re so fucking ridiculous! Can’t you see that you’re hurting your friends? You walk around with this dead look in your eyes, like the god damned will to live has been sucked out of your soul, and you don’t talk to anyone! Can’t you see your hurting your sister!” he yelled, unable to control his anger.

“You think I don’t fucking know that!” Eren shouted, shoving Jean back against the lockers and bunching a hand in the front of his shirt. The amount of emotion in those eyes was dizzying to the taller boy. Pain, anger, sadness, helplessness, sorrow and confusion swirled around in the tear filled orbs.

His grip loosened, and he let his head fall against the boys chest, both hands now gripping his shirt, “You think I don’t care…” He whispered, sounding uncharacteristically broken.

Jean was taken aback by the sudden change in his tone, and his anger melted away to concern. Without thinking about it, his hands moved to grip Eren’s forearms in a gentle, comforting manner. He looked at the boy before him, bruised and broken, and he felt a mix of emotions slam into him like a brick.

He thought back to earlier in the hallway and how Eren had reacted, then something clicked, “Eren… I don’t know what you’re going through, but you don’t need to do it alone.” He said softly.

Suddenly, the wrists were wrenched from his hands, and Eren was backing away, lip trembling as he scrambled away, “No.” he said.

“Just leave me alone.”

Then he grabbed his sweatshirt and tossed his things into his bag. Once the sweatshirt was on, Eren darted from the locker room as fast as he could, not allowing his tears to fall.

“I don’t need help...”

Jean heard the last few words, but stood there in complete shock. What the hell had even just happened?

Then he felt anger course through his veins and turned to slam his fist into the lockers. It wasn’t his brightest idea, and he ended up clutching his hand to his chest, howling in pain. A string of profanities slipped through thin lips, and he walked into the bathroom, running his hand under cold water.

He couldn’t help the feelings that coursed through him, and he didn’t even understand why they were so strong. Anger, pain, sadness, confusion, and something else…

Once his hand had stopped throbbing, he exited the locker room and headed for his car where Marco was waiting.

“How did it go?” he asked curiously, looking at the boy’s bruised hand.

“I don’t want to fucking talk about it.” The ashen haired boy replied with a sour face as he climbed into the vehicle, “I just want to go home and go the fuck to sleep.”

Marco climbed into the passenger seat, staying silent as Jean started the vehicle up and began to pull out of the parking lot.

“Are you okay?” Marco asked, concerned for his friend.

“Yes.”

“Is Eren okay?”

“I don’t think so.”

The remainder of the drive to Marco’s house was silent as each of the boys pondered that statement.

_I don’t think he’s going to be okay…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of on a roll right now, so here's another chapter. Maybe I'll hammer another one out today and post it tonight or tomorrow. I'm kind of just in one of those really productive writing moods.  
> -Cat


	3. Chaper 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is another confrontation and Jean becomes even more determined

Chapter 3

Eren ended up getting to the car long before Mikasa did because of the confrontation in the locker room. He hadn’t even gotten a chance to shower because of fucking Jean.

_Jean…_

_He saw the bruises…_

The brunet curled up in the front seat, wrapping his arms around his knees in a protective manner. The sweatshirt that he had thrown on was soft against his skin, and he allowed himself a moment to just think and relax.

So what if Jean saw the bruises, he hadn’t made the assumption of abuse, he had jumped to street fighting. So for now, the boy’s secret was safe. But the things that had been said in the locker room couldn’t be unsaid, and the way that the two had acted in front of one another couldn’t be forgotten.

Of course, Jean had been right. Eren knew that he was hurting and worrying his friends, and he figured that it was about time he ‘lightened up’. So he decided that he was going to have to start making an effort to act like his old self to put their minds at ease. The only person he wouldn’t be able to fool would be Mikasa, and that was only because she was aware of the reality of the situation.

Eren was snapped from his thoughts when the car door opened, and Mikasa sat down. She looked over at him through damp strands of hair, confusion in her eyes.

“Why didn’t you shower?” She asked.

“I forgot that I ran out of soap here and need to buy more.” He lied easily. It was such a small lie that Mikasa couldn’t even detect that it wasn’t the truth.

He couldn’t tell her what had happened; it had all been too much for him to handle at the moment, and he didn’t feel like explaining it.

The most bizarre part of the whole experience though, was that _Jean_ of all people had been the one to reach out to him. He could have seen Marco or maybe Armin try to help him out, but not Jean. In fact, he had been almost positive that Jean hated his guts after their years of fighting and bickering. But then, the way he had spoken so softly…

Even after yelling at him to try and get through to him, he still spoke so softly and reached out…

But Eren had pushed him away, because he didn’t need help. Not from Jean. Not from anyone. He didn’t want help. Even if he _had_ felt the warmth of those hands grasping his wrists. Even if he had felt something akin to security at that small amount of physical contact. Even if-

“Eren!”

Mismatched eyes widened and landed on Mikasa, and the girl was surprised to see something flickering in them. Traces of the fire she was afraid had gone out completely danced deep in the dichromatic orbs.

“Are we going to go home?” She asked, not letting on that she had seen something in the other’s eyes.

“Oh.” Eren said, turning to the wheel, “Sorry, I’m really tired.” He lied, knowing full well that she’d know it was a lie this time.

To his relief, however, Mikasa accepted the lie and did not question him. She was just glad to see something in those beautiful eyes, something other than despair and sadness. Something… Almost like hope.

The ride home was quiet, the soft hum of radio static and pop songs were the only noises in the vehicle. And for the first time in what seemed like forever, there was a lack of tension in the small space. Once they were home, Mikasa offered to make dinner and Eren disappeared into his room to work on school work, but he found it hard to concentrate. All he could think about was the confrontation from earlier.

_I don’t need help…_

 

The following day at school, Eren put his plan into action during lunch. He sat at the table, surrounded by his friends and thought, _this is it._

He turned to Connie and Sasha and flashed them a hesitant smile, “You should bring some extra Wii remotes and Mario Kart to the house tomorrow for the party.” He said, “It’s been awhile since we played.”

The table went momentarily silent, and all eyes were on Eren. Reiner was the one to break the silence, grinning at the brunet, “Great idea Eren, it’ been awhile since I kicked your ass.”

The spell was broken, and everyone at the table began to slowly pick up on their conversations, “You’ve never beat me Rei.” Eren said with a grin, glad to see that his plan had worked. His eyes travelled quickly around the table, noting looks of relief and smiles on his friend’s faces. All except two of them. Mikasa looked confused and critical, and Jean stared straight at Eren with a look of complete disbelief.

They held eye contact for only a half a second before Eren looked back over to Sasha and Connie, falling into a conversation with them on the following day.

It was decided that everyone would split the pizza bill, Sasha would bring the chips and dip, Connie would provide weed, and everyone else was to bring bottles of alcohol. The two looked overjoyed that Eren was speaking and smiling again, and felt accomplished when they were able to coax a laugh or two from the boy. They couldn’t even tell that it was all a well composed act.

When the bell rang, Eren gathered his things quickly and offered to walk with Krista to their next class. The small blond agreed immediately with a blindingly bright smile.

As they walked though, she peered up at him curiously, “Why the sudden change Eren?” She asked seriously, concern in her baby blue eyes.

Eren turned to her and offered her a soft smile, “I realized that everyone was worried about me,” He said, “And that I needed to take the step forward.”

He had planned this all out to a par. Every word, smile, and tear was planned perfectly to convince the group of his newfound happiness.

“I realized that, I need to help myself to get better. I can’t live the rest of my life in sorrow over her death. It would be like wasting my own life, and mom…” Tears brimmed in his eyes, “She wouldn’t want that. She’d want me to keep living, and smiling, and laughing.” He finished.

Krista paused smiling at Eren gently and pulling him into a hug, “You’re right Eren; she would be so proud of you for this.” She assured.

The gentle tone of her voice and the sweet smile on her lips almost really brought him to tears., “Thanks Krista…” He said, hugging her back.

_I’m sorry that it’s all a lie…_

_But it’s better if you start to think I’m getting better…_

Everything had gone perfectly. The brunet knew that she would tell the others of his ‘progress’, purging their concerns. The only two he would have to worry about were Jean and Mikasa, and he knew that Mikasa would only confront him at home.

So now all he had to do was avoid Jean.

The two continued to walk to class, chatting about life offhandedly. Krista brought him up to speed on what her and Marco had been planning with the student cancel for the upcoming events at the school, and he smiled and listened to her attentively.

During class, he struck up a conversation with Mina, who was surprised, but pleased. They talked about insignificant things and an impending class project that they were not looking forward to. Many people in the class were shocked to hear Eren not only talking, but chuckling lightly with the girl. He found himself falling into character easily, hiding the darkness inside him.

He could keep this up for long periods of time if needed to. He would just push away the other emotions and pretended he was fine. At home, he would be able to drop the façade and let loose the emotions that would build over the course of the day.

 

Jean was not buying it. Not even a little bit. He couldn’t really blame the rest of the group for buying the act, none of _them_ had been in the locker room yesterday to see Eren crack.

He was so confused. People don’t just change from depressed to perfectly fine overnight. That just was not how the world worked. And the boy couldn’t figure out what had spurred the udden change in his friend. Had it been what he’d said in the locker room the day before? Was this his way of trying to fix things with their friends?

Jean groaned aloud, earning him a glare from his econ teacher. He hadn’t meant for Eren to act like he was fine to ease their friend’s minds, he had meant for the boy to talk to them and allow them to help him get better.

Why did Eren have to be such an annoying ass wipe all the time.

When the bell rang, Jean gathered his things quickly and made his way out of the room, hoping to avoid walking with Connie. He was far to agitated to deal with the boy at the moment, and didn’t really feel like talking to anyone-

“Yo Jean! Why are you fucking sprinting?” The shorter boy called, running to catch up to him.

“I’m not in the mood shorty.” Jean said, irritated that his escape had failed.

“Why did you look so fucking constipated during class?” He asked curiously.

“Do you mean concentrated.” Jean asked.

“No.”

“Go away.”

“Make me.”

Jean groaned in frustration, “I’m in a shitty mood Connie. Just-“

“When are you not in a shitty mood Jean?” He interrupted, rolling his eyes, “If you won’t tell me what’s wrong, then at least talk to someone. You’re acting like a pissy bitch.”

Then the boy was gone, and Jean was in an even worse mood.

He stormed out to the parking lot, easily clearing a path through the hallway with the aura of anger around him. He had intended on going directly to his car and heading home, but then he spotted a messy mop of brown hair bobbing along in the crowd.

A spike of anger pulsed through his system, and he forced his way through the crowd, reaching for the brunet.

Eren spun around at the feeling of a hand wrapping around his wrist. His eyes were wide and were filled with a mixture of anger and fear until they landed on Jean. Then it was pure panic.

But he had no chance to respond or ask what was happening because he was too busy trying to stop himself from tripping as he was dragged through the crowd. When he felt his back hit a wall, he couldn’t help the gasp of pain that left his lips.

“What the fuck Jaeger?” Jean demanded, staring into the wide eyes with daggers in his own golden orbs. Long fingers tangled in the dark material of the boy’s t-shirt, clenched around the fabric in anger and frustration, “Why are you pretending to be okay?”

Eren met his eyes easily, expression unreadable, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Jean.” He said, voice even.

Jean let out a frustrated sound and slammed his hand into the wall next to the brunet’s head, causing the boy to wince, “Stop fucking bullshitting me Eren!” He growled, eyes intense as they searched Eren’s, “You don’t just change over-night like that!”

Eren averted his eyes, unable to handle the intensity of the scrutiny, “Let me Jean.” He said quietly. _Please._

“Not until you fucking explain yourself! You can’t just go from that level of pain and sorrow to acceptance in less than twenty four hours Eren! It doesn’t make sense!” The ashen haired boy was frustrated, and for some reason, he felt like he needed to get to Eren. He _needed_ help him through whatever was hurting him so badly.

Eren continued to look away, fists balling up in anger as the other continued, “If you’re trying to stop everyone from worrying, then that’s fucking stupid! There’s no point in making everyone else feel better when you’re still feeling like shit! Like, what the fuck Eren! You need to be more concerned with your own well-being-“

“I said to fucking let me go Jean!” He finally snarled, shoving the taller boy away from him. He couldn’t help it, and he couldn’t control it. He was angry.

“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want Kirschstein!” he growled, pushing the boy again, “You don’t fucking know me! You don’t know anything about what I’ve fucking gone through and am going through! So just fuck off!”

He backed away from Jean and looked at him, chest heaving as the panic began to take over and the anxiety attack began to take control. His eyes were full of pain, sorrow, hatred, and so many other emotions that it made Jean dizzy to look at them for too long.

“You don’t even really care.” Eren whispered breathlessly, “So stop pretending.” Then he ran.

For the third time in two days, Jean was staring after him as he ran away. But this time, the taller boy took off after him, not willing to allow him to leave on those last few words.

_I do care Eren…_

_You’re my friend…_

_Let me help…_

_Please…_

His heart beat fast in his chest as his heels pounded the pavement as he pursued the brunet. He had to catch him. _Why though?_

He just had to do it. He felt it deep inside his soul that he had to catch the boy and let him know that he wasn’t alone. That thought alone pushed him forward, increasing his speed as he reached out to Eren.

The only thoughts that were able to resonate in Eren’s head were that he had to get away. He ran fast watching the world blur past him as he ran. Lucky for him, he was considerably faster that Jean, but he was also in the midst of a panic attack. It started getting harder to breathe and he felt himself slowing slightly.

It was just enough that he knew Jean was going to catch him.

He stopped running and spun around, tears in his eyes and desperation written on his face, “Please… just leave… me… alone.” He gasped, nearly hyperventilating.

Jean stopped to and stared at Eren, hands on his knees. He was panting and trying to catch his breath, “Eren… you’re not… alone.” He gasped  out, “I… I care… let me help.” He swallowed, standing up.

The tears finally spilled over, slipping down his cheek and he looked at Jean. A sad smile spread over trembling lips and he met Jean’s eyes, “No you don’t… and… you can’t help me…” He said, and then he started to run again.

This time, Jean didn’t try to catch him; He just watched as the other disappeared from his sight.

_What had really happened to Eren?_

He wasn’t sure, but he wated to know. He wanted to help his friend get through whatever was tearing him apart. He could see it Eren’s eyes when the boy let his guard down, and it killed Jean a little.

The two had been… friends? Enemies? Both? It didn’t really matter what they were, because even if they weren’t ‘friends’, Jean still cared for him as he did for their other friends. They were all like family.

Of course, he could always just leave Eren to his own devices. After all, the boy had his own things to deal with. He had school and work and college applications… But for some reason, he felt a burning desire to help Eren. He had to help the broken boy.

Reality took over and Jean realized that he’d been standing their thinking for over five minutes and probably looked really dumb (or constipated as Connie had described his expression). So he took a deep breath and made his way back to the parking lot, getting into his car and pulling out of the lot quickly.

Once the boy was a the small home that he shared with only his mother, he headed straight up to his bedroom and collapsed on the bed. Golden eyes scanned the messy floor until they spotted his headphones, and a tan arm reached out to scoop them from their throne atop a pile of laundry. Once the headgear was secure, it was plugged into his phone so that he could just allow himself to unwind before staring in on his homework.

He looked at his phone for a few moments, then he decided to text Mikasa

**Message Sent:** **Hey Mikasa. What up with Eren.**

It was a few minutes before his phone buzzed:

**Messaged Received: It isn’t your business**

Jean rolled his eyes, deciding not to pursue that angle any further, instead, he texted the brunet himself.

**Message Sent: What are you so afraid of**

**Message Received: Leave me alone horseface**

Jean narrowed his eyes, but was surprised and pleased by the quick response.

**Message Sent: I just want to help**

**Message Received: I don’t need your help**

**Message Sent: You don’t have to be alone**

**Message received: Just stop**

Jean looked at his phone for a minute, picturing that broken look on Eren’s face.

**Message Sent: I’m not giving up**

This time, there was a few minutes before the reply.

**Message Received: Bye Jean**

Jean looked at the message for a few seconds.

**Message Sent: See you tomorrow Jaeger.**

 He knew that he would receive no response to that last message, so he tucked his phone under his pillow and put his arms behind his head. The ashen haired boy had meant what he said; he had no intention in giving up. He would find out what was wrong and help his friend. No matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I am away from my girlfriend and friends this weekend, So you will probably have another chapter by Sunday. On another note (hehe) I want to thank you guys for the support and such, it's really encouraging and I appreciate it. You guys are the best.


	4. chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party happens and shit goes down.

Chapter 4

_Everything was dark, the rocks were jagged and uneven, causing Eren to trip as he ran towards the cliff edge. He fought for every breath as he scrambled up the side of the cliff, trying to reach the light at the top. He could feel the darkness closing in around him, stifling his breathing and invading his mind. He moved faster, trying to reach the beam of life that emanated from the cliff edge._

_Mother…_

_He could see her gentle smile and the kind eyes now full of sorrow, he knew he was getting closer. If only he could reach her. He called out to her, and she opened up her arms to him, but her face was changing. The smile melted into a look of fear, and tears began to stream from saddened eye. Tendrils of darkness began to creep up her arms and snake up her legs._

_He called out again, this time in fear. She was so close now, only a few steps away and he could reach her. But the darkness was faster, beginning to consume her entire form._

_He reached her, moving to wrap his arms around her, but she was already falling backwards, into the waves of darkness, licking at the cliff’s edge. He screamed out for her, falling to his knees as his tears fell after her, staining her face and causing shimmering explosions on her skin._

_She smiled up at him, mouthing a sentence again and again until she was entirely consumed by the darkness. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t understand what she was saying. The brunet slammed his fists into the ground, screaming for his mother as blobs of darkness began to attach to his skin and expand, slowly consuming him._

_He clawed at the masses, trying to get them off his skin desperately, but he couldn’t get them off. They stuck to his hands an chest, making their way to his face. He opened his mouth and-_

A blood curdling scream ripped through the quiet Jaeger household as Eren shot up in his bed, crying hysterically. Mikasa was in the room a few moments later, alarm in her expression. When her sharp eyes landed on Eren, they widened in shock.

She made her way to the mess of a boy, tangled in the sheets. Tears flowed freely from his eyes, and blood ran down his arms from a few scratches that had resulted from him clawing at his arms in his sleep. Blood and tears stained the blankets as Eren shook, breathing hard and fast.

Upon reaching the bed, the raven haired girl pulled Eren into an embrace, stroking is hair calmingly as she coaxed him to calm down. She didn’t care that they’d have to throw out the blanket, and her pajama shirt, now stained. She only cared for the trembling boy in her arms. Her closest friend and brother, who sat in her arms crying for his dead mother, and trembling like a leaf.

She could feel her heart breaking for him, and tears brimming her own eyes. But she dared not let them spill. He had always been so strong for her when she needed him, and now she had to return the favor.

“Hush Eren, it’s okay now, you’ll be okay…” She said softly, used to waking up to comfort him during the early hours of the morning ,“Everything will be okay…”

She would stay with him for the next hour, comforting him until he fell back asleep. Then she would return to her own room and go back to bed, just as she did every other night. Just as she would do so long as that was what was needed of her.

 

When Eren awoke to his alarm at six- thirty, he saw that his arms were bandaged, and his blanket had been replaced. The events of the previous night rushed back into his mind, and he swallowed thickly. After falling back asleep, he had gotten another two hours of rest in a dreamless sleep. He got up and showered quickly, deciding to not add any cuts to his collection for Mikasa’s sake, then he threw on a pair of jeans and a white V-neck, topping off the look with a burgundy beanie.

He headed downstairs, deciding to make Mikasa a quick crepe as a thank you. He pulled out the boxed crepe mix and added water, knowing that it would be the quickest way to get things done. While the crepe was cooking, he sliced strawberries and bananas. Then he spread some Nutella on the thin cake and added the fruit.

Once it was folded and set on a plate, it was topped with chocolate sauce and whipped cream, and a glass of milk was set in front of it. Then he wrote up a quick note, thanking her and letting her know that he was going to walk to the school.

The brunet grabbed his backpack, keys, wallet, and phone before setting off for the school. He figured the walk would do him good and allow him to clear his head so that he could properly execute his role at the school. With headphones in and his mind distracted, the boy made it to the school shortly, heading to his first period class.

He sat down at his desk as Pixis glanced up and nodded in greeting. Then he took out the book that he was supposed to be reading for the class and set out taking notes.

Jean arrived, settling in the desk next to Eren and taking out his own book whilst stealing glances at the boy. But the brunet made a point to ignore the golden eyes, turning the music on his phone up so as to block him out.

Jean continued to steal glances at Eren, searching his face for any signs of the boy from the previous day. It was only around the sixth glance that he noticed the bandages wrapped around his arms. His eyes narrowed, and he reached over, yanking a headphone from the boy’s ear.

Eren looked at him sharply, glaring as he met Jean’s eyes, “Can you not take a fucking hint?” He asked, obviously agitated by the interruption.

“What happened to your arms?” The ashen haired boy asked curiously, a hit of accusation in his voice.

“None of your fucking business.” Eren snapped, shoving the bud back into place, but Jean just yanked it out again.

“Why are you acting like such a baby.”

“Fuck off Jean.”

“Make me, Eren.” The boy challenged, raising his brow at the brunet.

“Just le-“

The bell rang, cutting Eren off and causing him to inhale deeply in an attempt to calm down. Students began to filter into the class, and Eren looked straight into Jean’s eyes, “I don’t need your fucking concern.” He said coldly, causing a surprised look to cross Jean’s expression, “Stop trying to fix me.”

Then he stood and gathered his things, moving to sit across the room near the window. Jean was too in shock from the cold words to follow him, and instead turned to the board.

When class ended, Eren brushed passed the boy without so much as a glance in his directions, and Jean felt a stab of pain in his chest. He became angry, glaring after the retreating figure. All he wanted to do was help his friend; in fact, he was the only one to notice that Eren was still in pain. And this was how he was treated.

What the fuck.

Eren felt bad for the way he was treating Jean. He knew that the boy just wanted to help him, and the thought of that caused a sharp pain in his stomach. But it was better this way. It was better if te others thought that he was fin and Jean hated him. Then he could stop hurting people.

Except Mikasa…

The only way to stop hurting her would be to end himself, but he couldn’t do that to her. Not yet at least.

The brunet shook off the thoughts and composed himself as he continued to his next class. The rest of the school day went without incident, and Jean ignored him. Everything worked the way he wanted, and the pain that was added to his heart when Jean walked past him without so much as aglance almost made him stumble.

_I alienated the only person who wanted to save me_

The darkness crept forward in the boys mind, consuming him even further as he began the walk home.

 

Marco walked up to Eren and Mikasa’s front door with a struggling Jean in tow. The boy, for some reason, had tried to refuse to show up to the kickback with their friend. So Marco had just decided to drag him unceremoniously to the party.

“I don’t want to fucking be here.” Jean growled, fighting Marco’s iron locked hold on his wrist.

“Stop acting like a baby and come hang out with everyone.” Marco replied easily, ringing the bell.

“I’m not in the fucking mood.”

“I don’t care.”

“But Marco-”

The door was opened by a grinning Connie, and the two boys were yanked into the loud house.

The air smelt of pizza and weed, and the sound of music, shouting, and Mario kart echoed through the home. The two boys entered the living room, and Marco finally released Jean, pulling a bottle of tequila out of his backpack. Once it was added to the table, beers were shoved into the boys’ hands by Reiner, and Jean’s eyes searched the room.

They landed on Eren, who seemed to be focused on the video game. A beer sat on the ground by his knee, bottle half empty, and his eyes, though focused on the screen, remained lacking in emotion. He laughed with the others and chatted as though all was well, but Jean could tell that it wasn’t.

Not that he cared.

Eren had made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with Jean at this point in time.

The boy tipped the beer in his hand back, chugging the whole thing before turning to Marco and smiling weakly, “Let’s get shit faced.” He said, ready to pretend that he gave no fucks about the brunet. Two could play at the game.

5 shots later, the boy was at a comfortable buzz, and he noticed Eren sitting nearby with Reiner. The two seemed to just be seeing how many shots they could take, and had both obviously had more than they should have. They were both flushed, and cracking off as they pointed to an empty corner of the room.

Reiner busted up and shook Eren’s shoulder, “Dude,” He laughed, “Do you see that shit.” He threw his head back.

“Naw man,” Eren slurred as he laughed at the other. ”You’re tripping balls.” He giggled, grabbing Reiner’s shoulder and shaking him.

Then he leaned really close and whispered, “That’s an empty corner bro.” like it was the biggest secret in the world.

Jean shook his head as the other two fell onto the floor in a heap, cracking up, “Pour me another double.” He slurred at Marco.

The freckled boy, too drunk to deny the other, poured his friend another shot without even the slightest protest. After backing the shot, he noticed an absence of a certain boys laugh and turned to find Reiner on the couch tickling Bertl, and Eren completely missing.

For some reason, the fact that Eren was missing made Jean uneasy, and he felt like he needed to find the boy. So he got up from his seat, watching the world spin around him as he stumbled out of the room. He could hear Marco drunkenly calling after him, but he ignored the sound and concentrated on stumbling up the staircase to where he knew the brunet’s bedroom was located.

Unfortunately, he was unsure as to which room the brunet owned, so he opened the first door that he came to. Golden eyes fell upon a scene that was too confusing for his brain to process at first, too many limbs, long hair, and foreign sounds. But then his eyes focused in on two identical glares, one a stormy grey and the other an icy blue. Golden eyes widened in response, and the apology on his lips turned to mush.

“Sworuy, I din’t meanta.” He slurred, shutting the door quickly and stumbling down the hall. He escaped into the next room that he could get into. He shut the door quickly behind him and leaned against it for a moment until he was no longer dizzy.

Once his brain had settled, it registered a sound in the room. He spun around - bad idea- and nearly fell over as his gazed settled on the source of the sound. Sitting in the center of the floor was Eren, wielding a switchblade.

At first Jean didn’t put two and two together, mind dulled from the alcohol, but when his mind focused on the image…

He’d never felt more sober in his life.

Eren sat cross legged in the center of the floor sobbing uncontrollably. The blade was pressed to the tender skin on the underside of his wrist, and blood dripped to the floor from two other wounds he had inflicted. The boy, in his drunken and sorrow filled state, hadn’t even registered that the other had entered the room and just continued to cry.

“I’m so sorry mom.” He sobbed, voice broken and full of pain.

“I’m so sorry…”

Jean made his way to the boy quickly and pulled the blood soaked blade from his hand gently, causing Eren to look up into golden eyes, “Just go.” He cried, trying to shove Jean away weakly, “I don’t deserve… don’t… you can’t…”

“I don’t… deserve to be… to be saved.” He cried, grabbing fists full of the boys shirt.

Jean ignored the fact that his shirt was now smeared with blood, and he looked into Eren’s tearful eyes, “Yes you do.” He said firmly. He pulled Eren to his feet and forced him to sit on the bed, then he turned to find something to clean up the blood with.

But then he felt the force of a body slamming into him. Eren had shoved him up against the door and was looking up at him with those eyes. Eyes that swirled with emotions like endless whirlpools, and that were as beautiful and vicious as the crashing waves of an ocean.

“Why do you keep doing this?” He demanded, tears sliding down his cheeks as he searched Jean’s face.

“I don’t deserve… to be happy. I’m a freak… disgusting and unnatural.. She killed herself Jean… she killed herself…” He sobbed, head falling against the taller boys chest as his body was wracked with heart wrenching sobs.

“She would want you to live Eren.” Jean said softly, causing the brunet to freeze. It was like the world had stopped around him. Time was frozen as he lifted his head to look up at Jean.

“How do you know?” He whispered, disparity in his voice.

“How could you not know Eren?” Jean responded gently.

And just like that, Eren slid to the ground. Time had restarted, and Eren couldn’t handle the weight of the phrase. Jean stooped down and gathered Eren in his arms, managing to make it back to the bed. Although he knew the situation was serious, his drunken haze was still present due to the surplus of alcohol he had consumed.

He yanked off his shirt and handed it to Eren, “Hold this against your wrist to stop the bleeding.” he demanded, stumbling from the room and into the bathroom. He fell next to the toilet and heaved into the bowl, allowing a large amount of the poison to be purged from his stomach. Once the affair was over, he felt considerably better and his head was far clearer.

He dampened a towel and retrieved a first aid from under the sink and made his way back into the brunet’s room. He walked over to the boy who, while still crying, was holding the shirt firmly to his arm.

“Good.” Jean said softly, using the towel to clean smeared blood from the boy’s face and arms, and then his own torso and arms. He had Eren remove the shirt so he could clean up his arms and was relieved to see that the bleeding had slowed. He sprayed the wounds with disinfectant spray and then bandaged it tightly.

“There, all fixed up.” He said, looking up at Eren. The brunet just stared blankly at the wall across the room, tears still escaping the large eyes.

“Eren?”

“Hey, Eren?” He tried again.

Then he moved to kneel in front of the boy, gently taking his hands, “Eren, look at me.” He said softly, waiting for those mismatched orbs to meet his own.

Once the boy had finally looked down to meet his own golden eyes, He smiled softly, “I won’t let you be alone anymore.” He said softly, watching Eren’s face crumple as a new sob ripped through his body. The shorted boy fell into his arms on the floor and tucked his head into the crook of his neck, letting the tears flow freely.

He had held it all in for so long, hurt inside for so long. He had distanced himself so as not to burden others. And he had been in so much pain. He felt like if he let it all out then he would lose himself. Become a monster like his father.

But that wasn’t the case. Sitting there, with Jean’s arms around him, he finally felt safe. Safe from his father, his pain, his mind, his own hand. He felt safe.

“I’m here Eren.” Jean said softly, feeling the boy relax into his arms, “We’ll learn to live. I promise.” He said gently, stroking Eren’s hair soothingly.

“You’ll stay with me.” Eren whispered, voice hoarse from the crying.

“Of course.” Jean replied with a soft smile.

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it wasn’t. But being there, holding Eren close, it felt right. And for now, he would just go with it.

Eventually the two made their way into the bed, both shirtless due to the mess of blood that covered their cloths. And for the first time in a long time, Eren drifted into a dreamless sleep, deep and restful. His head rested on Jean’s chest, and strong arms held him close.

The last thought that drifted through his head as succumbed to the tendrils of sleep:

_I’m safe here…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just want to throw out there that my tumblr is erenrivaille845 in case any of you guys had question about the story or like wanted to talk about it or give me any advice. It's all appreciated. And I wanted to thank you all again for reading. Every time I see that the number of hits on the story has gone up, I smile so brightly and am even more motivated to update, so thank you guys. I hope that you're enjoying this as much as I am.  
> -Cat


	5. chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bucket list is created.

Chapter 5

Light filtered through the cracks in the blinds, finding its way to the closed eyes of the sleeping boys. Jean was the first to wake, disoriented by the unfamiliar scent and surroundings. There was something heavy on his chest and warm in his arms; something that was breathing evenly as he slept.

Confusion was only increased when he noticed the tuft of brown hair and the tan hand resting on his chest. Then the events from the previous night began to rush through his mind, and his hold on the boy tightened unconsciously, causing mismatched eyes to open sleepily.

Eren’s reaction to waking up in Jean’s arms was much more comical. Unused to the feeling of the warm body beneath him, he instantly sat up, nearly falling off the bed. His eyes widened in shock and panic when they registered who was laying on the bed with him.

“Jean! What-“

Then it hit him.

The events from the night before replayed in his head, and he very nearly started crying again. He swallowed and scratched the back of his neck in discomfort. Two toned hues glanced around the room, surveying the bloody mess that it’d been left in the night before. Both of their shirts lay in a blood pile on the floor, and the crimson stained switchblade lay on the floor near the door. The first aid kit sat open in the center of the room, and a few things had been knocked down by the two drunken boys without their noticing.

“So…” Eren said, finally meeting Jean’s gaze

“Last night happened…” Jean replied, equally as uncomfortable.

“Yeah… it did.” The two both glance away before meeting eyes again.

“We can just… pretend it never happened.” Eren offered, hiding the pain he felt as he uttered the words.

The ashen haired boy actually snorted at that, laughing out loud as he sat up, “This isn’t an awkward one night stand Eren.” He said.

Eren actually blushed, and indignant expression on his face, “Well it’s an awkward… Something!”  He exclaimed, unsure what exactly it was.

At that, Jean started to laugh even harder, causing Eren to bop him on the forehead with an open palm. But the shocked look on Jean’s face caused Eren to chuckle which lead to Jean bopping him back. The Eren lunched himself at Jean, pinning him down and flicking his nose. Jean shove Eren off of him and onto the floor and then he stood up himself and sat at the boy’s desk.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Eren asked curiously from his spot on the ground as Jean grabbed some paper and a pen.

“I made you a promise last night, didn’t I?” Jean replied, carefully writing something across the top of the paper neatly.

“Look Jean, last night was… you were drunk… I won’t hold you to anything you said.” Eren said, standing up and pushing the hair back off his face. His eyes moved down to the paper, and when he read the words, he was very surprised.

“A bucket list?”

“Oh shut up Eren,” Jean said, rolling his eyes, “Everything I said last night was the truth.”

“Jean-“

“Didn’t I tell you to shut up?” Jean said, turning in the chair and glaring at Eren, “Look man, I’m not sure what all you’re going through right now, but it’s hurting you. Bad. And I’m here to help you whether you like it or not.” He said firmly.

“Now I told you last night that we were gonna learn to live, and I wanna do that to the fullest extent. So we’re gonna make a bucket list.”

Eren sat down on the bed, and his eyes moved to the ground, “Are you sure you wanna-“

“I’m positive.” Jean said, placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder gently. His other hand cupped Eren’s face, forcing him to meet his eyes, “I’m here for you.” He said.

“Always…”

Eren looked as though he might cry again, and he simply whispered, “Thank you…”

Jean smiled, then released the brunet and turned back to the paper, and Eren was surprised to find that he instantly missed the boy’s touch. He shook off that thought and watched Jean write each of their names beneath the title.

“Okay, so what do we put on it?” He asked Eren, but the brunet just shrugged.

“Ugh, are you gonna be all depressed like this for the rest of your life Eren?” He asked, “Because it’s not gonna do anything for you.”

“Do you really think that Carla would want for you to mope around like this because of a decision she made. She’s gone now, Eren, and I know it hurts, but you’re going to have keep living your life. If she was here, she’d be slapping you upside the head for wasting away the life she gave to you.” Jean said bluntly, staring into Eren’s eyes.

The brunet stared back at Jean and hesitated before-

“She’d also smack me upside the head for telling you that I’ve always wanted to go skydiving.” He said slowly, offering Jean a small smile.

Jean grinned back, “Yes she would.” He said with a chuckle, putting the words ‘sky diving’ at the top of the list. Then he looked at Eren expectantly.

“Well, keep on going.”

Eren thought for a moment, “I’ve also always wanted to go scuba diving.” He said hesitantly.

“All right, now we’re getting somewhere.” Jean said, writing it down, “I want to learn how to snow board.” He claimed, adding that to the list as well.

“How about swimming with dolphins?” Eren asked, an actual smile now gracing his features.

“That could be fun.” Jean replied, writing it down, “And we have to sneak into a club.” He added.

Eren, was getting more and more into the list, “Add skinny dipping on there, and going to the music festival in new York; The one that happens every year at the beginning of summer.” He added, now hovering over Jean’s shoulder.

“How about we add in that zombie run thing, you know, that marathon?” Jean asked with a grin, remembering Eren’s childhood obsession with the zombie apocalypse.

“Yeah!”  Eren replied, now enthusiastic. Jean could sense something there that he hadn’t in a while. In this moment, Eren seemed more alive than he had been in a long time.

“And let’s go camping, I’ve never been camping.” Eren added, watching Jean write down the suggestion in his neat hand writing.

“Anything else you’ve never don that you wanna try?” Jean asked the other.

“Um…” Eren blushed lightly, “Well I’ve never… never really. I’m a virgin…” he admitted.

Jean laughed, “Holy shit! Seriously?” He asked, adding ‘Get Eren laid’ to the bottom of the list as he chuckled.

Eren swatted the back of his head and stuck his tongue out at the boy, “I was waiting!” He said indignantly

“Waiting for what, to die a virgin?” Jean asked with a snort, earing himself another whack to the back of the head.

Eren just stood up and made his way around the room cleaning up the mess from the previous night. As he tossed the shirts in the trash can, he took a deep breath, “Hey Jean…”

“What’s up Eren?”

“Thank you… It- This- means a lot to me.” He said, picking up the blood stained knife.

Jean turned around, watching as the brunet examined the blade before shutting it and setting it up on his dresser. Then he waited for Eren to turn around and meet his eyes, “Don’t get too sentimental on me now Jaeger, I’ll be disappointed if we stop beating each other up.” He said with a grin.

Eren smiled back hesitantly, before a genuine smirk managed to touch his lips, “Wouldn’t dream of it Kirschstein.” He said, then he moved to pick up the first aid kit.

Jean continued to watch him, eyes travelling to the scars that covered the wrist that hadn’t been hurt, “You’re going to have to stop doing that you know.” Jean said as Eren looked back up at him with a confused expression.

“Cleaning?” He asked, genuinely bewildered.

“No, I mean cutting yourself. You need to stop.” He said seriously, “I want al of the things you use to cut yourself.”

Eren’s eyes widened and his hand flew to the exposed wrist, as though he could hide all of the scars. But both of them knew that he couldn’t. So he took the knife off of the dresser and handed it to Jean silently.

“I know there are more Eren. What would your mother say if she saw what you were doing to yourself?’

_Eren Jaeger! Why are you hurting yourself, you should know better._

_Let me see…_

Eren thought of his mother and how she would kiss each scar and then smack him upside the head and tell him to talk to her. Then he went into the bathroom and grabbed the razor blade from the under his shampoo. He handed it to Jean, and then pulled another out from a ripped seam in his mattress. Finally he popped the back of his phone off and let the last blade fall into his hand. He gave it to the ashen haired boy and met his eyes, “That’s all of them.”

Jean looked down at the sharp metal pieces in his hand and smiled, “Okay, now go get some nail clippers.” He said, knowing that Eren’s nails were long enough to act as weapons.

Eren did as he was told, sitting down on the bed  and handing Jean the metal tool before placing his own hand in Jean’s. The ashen haired boy set to work immediately, cutting off each nail carefully and throwing them into the trash bin under his desk.

“Good.” Jean said, keeping his hold of Eren’s hand. He flipped it so that his wrist faced upwards, exposing the scars. Lithe finger ran along the length of his forearm, brushing over the scars and causing Eren to shiver slightly, “No more of this okay? You’re worth much more than this.”

Eren bit his lip, and nodded, taking deep breath.

“No more.” He agreed, _it’s time I started picking up the pieces…_

Jean smiled, releasing Eren’s wrist, “Good.” He said.

Then he picked up the paper and got a few pieces of tape. The secured it to the Eren’s door and turned to grin at him, “Now let’s go get food, I’m starving.” Jean said. And Eren couldn’t help but smile back, enjoying the fact that Jean wasn’t about to start walking on eggshells around him.

 

The two walked down the stairs to find the majority of their friends still on the ground, out cold. The only people missing from the room were Annie and Mikasa, much to Jean’s release. He knew that the two wouldn’t soon forget his walking in on them, and he also knew that he wouldn’t either.

It seemed that the only two people awake in the living room were Krista and Bertl, both of whom were trying to tidy up a bit. Eren smiled appreciatively at them and moved to help out some. Once all of the empty beers, pizza boxes, chip bags, and drug baggies were bagged, they brought the bgs out to the curb for the garbage truck.

“Thanks you guys.” Eren said with a genuine smile. They headed back inside to whip up some coffee and breakfast.

As they all sat down with steaming mugs of fresh coffee in front of them, Krista decided to be the one to address the fact that Eren and Jean had come down the stairs _together_ and both _smiling_.

“So, is there like... something going on here all of a sudden?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows at them suggestively, “Did you guys finally _do the do_?”

Bertl snorted, Jean choked on his coffee, and Eren turned bright red and began to sputter.

“There was no doing anything to anyone!” The brunet claimed indignantly as Krista giggled over her cup.

“Then where are your guys’ shirts?” She asked innocently, eyes wide as she surveyed the two, who had indeed forgotten to put on their shirts. Eren wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t want to expose what’d really happened, so he looked to Jean, panic  apparent in his eye.

“I went up into Eren’s room because I couldn’t find the bathroom, and I threw up.” Jean said quickly, much to Eren’s relief, “It got on both of us, and we were too piss ass drunk to do anything. Eren tried to hit me because he got mad I threw up in his room, but he missed and cut his arm on the corner of the desk, which is why it’s bandaged.”

Jean made sure to cover everything in his explanation so as to protect Eren, and cover both of their asses.

“Yeah, we were too far gone to do much else, so we ended up passing out on the floor.” Eren finished, sending Jean a silent _thank you_ with his eyes.

Krista was eyeing them both suspiciously, “You guys are gonna have hot, angry, gay sex before we graduate this year, I can sense it with my gaydar.” She proclaimed, causing them both to choke on their coffee and turn bright red.

But they didn’t have time to respond, because the first of their friends had begun to filter into the kitchen in search of water, painkillers, coffee, and food. Krista shot the two a knowing look, and they avoided each other’s eyes as they were joined by the rest of their friends.

 

Once everyone had cleared out, Mikasa and Eren set about doing a deep clean of the house. They had to vacuum, wash, disinfect, and febreeze every corner to ensure that Grisha would find nothing out of the ordinary when he returned from his trip.

While Eren was wiping down the counter, Mikasa looked at him and asked, “What happened last night?”

The brunet froze and looked up at her, “What do you mean?” He asked cautiously.

“You seem… lighter, much more alive than you’ve been in weeks. But you have a new bandage on…”

Eren sighed, “Nothing ever gets past you, does it Mika?” Then he resumed his cleaning, “A lot happened last night, but the only thing that you need to know is that things are going to get better.” He promised, “And I mean genuinely, I’m going to try my best to get better.”

_To make mom proud…_

Mikasa stared at him for a moment, then the softest of smiles touched her lips, “I’m glad that your fight is back.” She said softly. Then she moved to the next room to continue her cleaning.

Eren smiled after her, and for the first time since his mother died, that smile was genuine, bittersweet, and full of hope. He finished up in the kitchen, and headed back up into his room to lay down for a while.

Although he had had a restful sleep, it hadn’t been a very long period of rest, so he decided to let his eyes slide shut and the darkness to take over his mind.

 

Upon arriving home,  Jean invited Marco, who’d given him a ride, to come inside to hang out for a while.

“Man, I’m fucking exhausted.” Jean claimed, flopping onto his bed as Marco plopped into the desk chair.

“What happened after you disappeared last night?” Marco asked curiously, staring at Jean’s form on the bed.

“Honestly, a lot of crazy shit, but I can’t tell you most of it.” He replied, thinking of Eren. Waking up with him so close, laughing with at him when they made the list, learning that he was a virgin.

That part made his mind go in a very different direction as he began to imagine a very different scene including the two of them and a bed…

“Jean!” The ashen haired boy was snapped back to reality when his best friend began to clap hands in front of his face.

His ears tinged pink and he quickly responded, “Sorry, what?” He asked, shaking his head.

“I asked you what was going on with Eren.” Marco said, rolling his eyes.

“I wasn’t thinking about Eren!” Jean exclaimed, ears darkening in color, “I mean… Um… We talked last night?”

Marco’s eyebrows shot up, and he grinned knowingly at Jean, “So you were thinking about him?”

“No!” Jean answered quickly.

The freckled boy laughed, “Alright, so then what happened last night.”

“Nothing happened last night!” Jean exclaimed, cheeks now matching his ears, “He was… there was an incident… and he opened up to me.” He said, running fingers through his hair, “He trusts me, and is letting me help. But I can’t tell you more than that.”

“So he’s letting you help him and oyu like him?” Marco asked quickly.

“Exact-“Jean caught himself, eyes widening, “No! That is not it at all! I am just helping him get through a rough time!”

Marco burst into laughter, “Yeah sure.” He said with a grin, “But seriously, it’s good that he’s letting you help him.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jean replied, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“Anyways, I have to get home.” Marco said, standing up, “I’ll see you later man.”

Jean calle out a goodbye as the other disappeared, then he opened him texts.

**Message Sent: Operation Bucket List starts tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at 10am.**

Then he set his phone off to the side and passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this one took so long to get up. I had the craziest fucking week and it was goddamned exhausting. And I only have more of this type of week to look forward too. *sigh* Anyways, thanks for sticking with me and showing your support for the story. I really appreciate and love all of you guys, you're the best. And don't worry, the gay boy shenanigans begin in the next chapter. If you have any questions, suggestions or feedback, go ahead and leave a comment or contact me on tumblr at erenrivaille845.tumblr.com   
> Thanks guys, I love you  
> -Cat


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things don't go according to plan, but the dorks are cute and get closer

Chapter 5

Jean pulled up to the jaeger household at ten o’clock sharp the following morning, wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, a red beanie, and a pair of sunglasses. Some shitty pop song from the radio was blasting through his speakers, and he honked his horn to indicate to the other that he was there.

A few second later, Jean’s phone buzzed:

**Message Received: Hold on a sec. And turn down your shit music.**

Jean’s eyes narrowed, but then he laughed lightly. He didn’t usually listen to the radio, but he hadn’t felt like plugging his phone into the stereo. So naturally, he turned the shitty music up even louder.

**Message Received: You suck -_-**

Jean laughed again and dropped his phone back into the cup holder as he waited for Eren. When the brunet did emerge, he was donning a pair of dark blue jeans, and a green t shirt. Jean, looked him up and down from behind his glasses and couldn’t help but think about how nice the green looked against the boy’s tan skin-

“What are you staring at?” Eren asked, shutting the car door.

“Just at how fashionable you are.” Jean replied sarcastically, quickly facing forward and starting the putting the car in drive. Eren reached forward and shut off the stereo, sighing in relief when the shitty song was no longer echoing in his hair.

Unfortunately, that left them in a rather awkward silence. Jean rolled down his window to let a little bit of air into the cab as they headed towards their destination, and Eren bit his lip, tapping fingers on his thighs as he stared out the window.

The two boys still weren’t exactly sure how they were supposed to act after the scene from the other night. Things had changed. Whether or not they had originally wanted it, they were closer now. The events of that evening couldn’t be undone, not that they wanted them to. But, the scene had been rather… intimate, and the two weren’t sure how to interact.

Eren was the one to break the silence, “So… what exactly are we planning to cross off the bucket list today?” the brunet asked, sneaking a glance at Jean.

Jean started slightly at the sudden question, but recovered quickly, “I went and rented some scuba diving equipment from the sporting store.” Jean replied as Eren stared at him.

The brunet’s gaze was fixated on his friend’s face, eyes tracing the sharp line of his jaw and the high cheekbone that the sun glasses settled on. Then they moved up to watch the way his hair moved with the wind. It was fascinating the with the different shades of blond that played in the longer strands, and Eren couldn’t seem to look away.

Jean, having had been ignored by the other, turned to him with an annoyed expression. “Hello- Earth to Jaeger?” He said, turning and catching the other staring.

The brunet’s ears reddened, “Why were you staring at me?” Jean asked, flushing slightly.

“I wasn’t!” Eren said quickly, “You just look like a giant douche right now and I couldn’t help but notice.” He said, looking back out his own window.

“Yeah, whatever.” Jean said, “Anyways, while you were so transfixed with my beauty,” He said, running a hand through his hair, “I was saying that we’re going scuba diving.”

“I was not ‘transfixed’” Eren started, but then the other half of the boy’s statement.

“We’re going scuba diving.” He said excitedly, eyes lighting up excitedly a Jean pulled into the parking lot and took off the sunglasses.

He looked over at Eren and saw how much more alive he seemed to look today, and it made him smile, “You look so _alive_ today.” He commented, “That’s the Eren I know and hate.” He teased.

Eren glared at him, but couldn’t help the smile that touched his lips, “I feel more alive today than I’ve felt in a long time.” He said softly, _and it’s thanks to you…_

The ashen haired boy wasn’t sure how to react to the sudden mood change, so he just ignored the flush in his cheeks, “Don’t go getting all sentimental on me now Jaeger.” He said, opening his door and stepping out of the vehicle.

“We gotta get all the shit and suit up.” He said, popping his trunk and pulling out the wet suits. He handed one to Eren, who had followed him to the back of the car, and held one up for himself, “Let’s head over to the bathrooms and get them on so we can meet the instructor at the beach.”

Eren took the fabric from Jean happily and grabbed him by the wrist, dragging him towards the bathrooms excitedly. He actually hadn’t been this excited for something in months, and he couldn’t quell his enthusiasm, even though he had underlying feelings of guilt. Or at least he though he couldn’t.

Then he saw the cliff.

The cliff that haunted his thoughts and dreams. The cliff that his mother had jumped from while he watched.

He slowed to a stop, gaze fixed on the cliff as the life and enthusiasm slowly drained from his body. His hand fell from Jean’s wrist, and his head fell, hair covering his sad eyes.

“Why did we have to come here…” He asked softly as Jean tried to register the sudden mood drop.

Then his golden eyes landed on the cliff, and he stepped towards Eren, hesitantly placing a hand on his shoulder, “Eren…”

“I didn’t even think about it…” he said softly, “I’m sorry…”

Eren shook the hand off his shoulder, suddenly enraged, “Of course you didn’t think about it.” He snapped, “Why the fuck would you!”

“It’s all I can ever fucking think about, and it’s what me nightmares are made of! That fucking cliff is the thing that kills me a little inside every time I lay eyes on it!” he yelled, “And you fucking brought me _here_! Of all the goddamn beaches, you brought me to this one!” He yelled at the other.

Jean was taken aback by the outburst and instantly got defensive, “You act like I did it on fucking purpose Eren!” He yelled right back, “It’s not like I want you to hurt! In fact the whole reason that we’re out here is that I want you to recover!”

“I want to help you get better and help you realize that this wasn’t your fault instead of watching you tear yourself apart, but instead you’re sitting here screaming at me because I made a fucking mistake! I’m sorry for fucking trying to help!” The blond was infuriated with the other. All he was trying to do was help a friend. Now he was being yelled at by that same person.

Eren almost yelled back, but then he realized that the other was right, and he was being ridiculous. He looked down, and his shoulders sagged, “You’re right Jean.” He said softly, “I’m sorry for lashing out at you… I just haven’t been here since that day…”

Jean nodded, calming down, “I think that it’s time you faced your demons.” He said, stepping towards Eren slowly, “I think that, before we go out on that water, we should go out to the cliff.”

Eren’s head snapped up and he shook it quickly, “I can’t do it.” He said, mounting panic in his voice, “I’m not ready for that yet.”

“You’re _never_ going to be ready Eren.” Jean said, crossing his arms, “This sort of thing isn’t about _being ready_. It’s about **you** manning up and facing your fears. You’re not going to be able to move forward and heal unless you do this.”

“I can’t fucking do it Jean!” Eren yelled, knuckles white and fists clenched around the black fabric in his hand, “Stop pushing me! You don’t even understand!”

_You’ll **never** understand. It’s better to push you away now…_

“What the hell Eren, I’m just trying to help you! I have to push you because you won’t o it yourself!” He snapped back.

“This was a bad idea.” Eren said, looking to the side so as to avoid the boy’s gaze, “Let’s just go.”

_Please don’t listen to me…_

“This was never going to work.”

_I can’t do this on my own…_

“You can just pretend nothing ever happened. Forget about it.”

_Please don’t…_

After a minute of silence, Jean strode forward and grabbed Eren’s chin, forcing the dichromatic orbs to meet his gaze, “Look me in the eye and tell me that you want me to forget about it and leave you alone. Then I’ll do it.” He said seriously.

Eren swallowed, trying to throw his walls up. He tried to put on the emotionless face that he’d worn for so long, but it didn’t work. It was like time was frozen. He could hear the sound of the waves crashing against the stone, and the seagulls crying in the background. He could taste the ocean on his tongue through slightly parted lips. Salt. Freedom. Sadness. But the only thing he could see was those golden eyes that seemed to be examining his soul through his own wide eyes.

He had to choose. To face his demons and move forward or to push away the only person he felt could save him from himself. Was he strong enough? Did he deserve to be saved? Would he ever be able to meet those golden orbs again if he chose to send them away?

Time started up again when Eren saw the boys mouth form a single word.

_Choose_

Even if his mind couldn’t register the sound, his eyes could see and weigh the word. It was so heavy; came with so many consequences.

_Choose_

His mother flashed through his mind, and he swallowed thickly.

“You should go now.” He said softly, looking Jean in the eye.

The ashen haired boy felt the stab in his chest, and began to pull back, but something stopped him. Two tan hands clutching the front of his shirt. Eren’s head bowed, resting on his chest.

“You should, but I don’t want you to.” He continued softly, looking up and meeting Jean’s eyes, “I need you…”

Jean let out a soft breath, relieved that he wasn’t being pushed out. His hands came to rest of Eren’s shoulders, and he met the boy’s large eyes, “I know.” He replied.

Eren took a deep breath, fingers untangling from the material of the boy’s shirt one by one, but his hands still rested against the boys chest.

He felt safe here in Jean’s hands.

In Jean’s…

He stumbled back suddenly, ears tinging red as he fell on his ass. He scrambled to his feet and dusted himself of as Jean laughed at him, “Shut up.” He muttered.

_That was really intimate…_

“You were too close. It was weird!” _That I liked it_.

Jean flushed slightly too, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, “Yeah.” He said, oh-so articulately before changing the subject and sobering up.

“I think it’s time for you to face your demons Eren.” He said seriously, “Do you think you can do it.”

Eren met his eyes and nodded firmly, taking a deep breath. Then he let the breath out and shook his head furiously.

Jean just smiled and held a hand out to him palm up and open. Eren looked at it for a moment, and then he swallowed. Slowly, he reached out closing the space between their hands as his fingertips brushed his palm. Then he felt the hand close around his own, warm and reassuring, and he didn’t feel so scared.

He didn’t feel so alone.

“Let’s go.” Jean said, pulling Eren along with him towards the car.

 

With the wetsuits back in the trunk and the two boys belted in, Jean put the key in ignition and started up the car. Then they were headed up towards the cliff.

The cliff that haunted Eren’s heart, soul, and mind.

The cliff that Carla had jumped from.

Eren tapped his fingers on his thigh nervously, panic mounting in his chest and threatening to suffocate him. Hit his lip, fist clenching and unclenching.

“I can’t do this Jean.” He said, voice thick with pain.

“Yes you can Eren.” Jean replied as they pulled up near the path up the cliff, “I’ll be right there by your side. I promise.”

“Jean I-“

“We’re going to do this.” Jean said firmly, parking the car and looking over at Eren, “I’m here for you. It isn’t just you anymore. It’s us.”

Then he opened his door and got out of the car. His eyes followed the path up the cliff, and he took a deep breath. Then he walked around the side of the car to Eren’s door and pulled it open, eyes on the brunet who was still staring out the window at the path. It almost seemed as though he was paralyzed, so Jean placed a hand on his bandage forearm.

Eren started, and met Jean’s eyes, but his had a faraway look in them. It was obvious that Eren wasn’t with the ashen haired boy in that moment. He was lost to his memories.

“Eren!” Jean said, snapping the boy out of his thoughts, “Let’s go.”

The brunet swallowed again, but this time his throat was dry. It was sticky and made it hard for him to breath, but he stood up, letting Jean’s hand fall away from his arm as he stared down the path. There was something in his eyes, barely there, but still. And it made Jean want to hug the boy-in a completely platonic way of course.

The fire that had been missing.

“Yeah. Let’s go…” Eren said, voice soft as he began to walk forward.

_Stumbling in the dark, rocks under foot determined to trip him up. Up that moonlit path as fast as he could bring himself. Towards her._

Eren stopped, three yards from the edge of the cliff, “Here.” He said softly, falling to his knees as Jean watched on.

_So close. He’d been so close when she smiled at him through her tears. Or were they his tears. He didn’t remember. All he remembered was watching her mouth move. There was a ringing in his ears, blocking out her voice as he scrambled to his feet, only to watch her spread her arms._

Tears began to stream down the boy’s face, and Jean knelt at his side, hand on his back. But eren was in a different time.

_She looked beautiful just then, moon bouncing off her skin and skirt billowing around her legs in the wind. Her arms were spread, and it seemed almost as though she’d sprout wings. But she didn’t. Instead she let herself fall backwards as her son cried out for her into the night._

Eren stood up and began to walk towards the edge of the cliff, and Jean grabbed him around the waist in a panic, “Eren!”

The brunet turned to him, now obviously back from wherever he had gone. Tears streaked his face and pain filled his eyes, “I won’t jump Jean, I promise.” He said.

The taller boy hesitantly released his hold and settled for following the boy closely as he approached the edge of the cliff. He stared off into he distance, trembling from the suppressed emotions, so Jean placed a hand on his shoulder.

Those mismatched eyes looking at him with and overwhelming amount of pain present in them, “Eren, scream.” Jean said.

The brunet just looked at him, perplexed by the command.

“Scream and shout.” Jean said, “Let it all out. Tell her how you feel, and just scream.”

Eren took a deep breath and shook his head, “I don’t need-“

“Yes you do.” The ashen haired boy said, “Just try it.”

Eren met his eyes, and then nodded, turning to face the ocean. He opened his mouth and started to speak, “I n-never… never got t-to… to say g-goodbye…” he started, voice quiet.

“Louder.” Jean commanded, “C’mon Eren, pretend like your shouting at me.

Eren swalled and spoke a bit louder, “I d-didn’t even… you never… explained…” He said, tears streaming down his face.

“You can do better.”

The brunet raised his once again, now speaking louder, “I didn’t… you d-didn’t even leave… I got no note… No warning!” He said, voice getting louder as he went.

“You left me!” He sobbed, shouting into the empty air, “You abandoned me! Left me here on my own! Leaft me hear to blame myself!” He screamed, “Do you know what that did to me!”

He ripped the bandages off of his arms an threw them off the side of the cliff, “I did this to mtself!” He sobbed brokenly, “I mutilated my own body because I fucking blamed myself!” His head lifted to the sky.

“Because _he_ blamed me!”

Then he dropped his head, “I know that something had to be wrong, and you had to be hurting for you to do this…” He said through his tears, “But you could have gotten help…”

“Why did you leave me here!” He screamed, listening to the echo of his own voice.

“Why…” he whispered brokenly as Jean knelt down beside him.

“You may never get an answer to that question Eren.” He said honestly, “So you need to forgive her now. You have to forgive her for hurting you, because you know she would never do that. You need to forgive yourself for this.” He said tracing the scars.

“You need to forgive so that you can heal.” He said, eyes holding a softness Eren had never before seen in them. He nodded, crying even harder.

“I… I f-forgive you momma…” he said softly, letting the wind carry his voice, “I just miss you so much…” Eren felt a weight lift off of his heart as the words left his lips and the tears left his eyes.

Jean’s hand was gentle on his back, grounding him, “I forgive m-myself… Because I-I hurt myself… It wasn’t.. m-my fault.”

The next weight lifted from his chest, giving him a light feeling in his chest. If jean hadn’t had a hand on him, Eren could almost believe that he may have floated away. But Jean was there, right at his side. He wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t hurting so badly. He was healing, and it still hurt; but for once, he wasn’t feeling suffocated by his own pain and thoughts. He wasn’t alone anymore.

He turned to search Jean’s face, “Thank you…” he said softly, to which Jean smiled.

“Anytime you giant loser.” Jean said, attempting to lighten the mood with a smile and a joke.

Eren swatted at him, letting out a soft, slightly hysterical giggle, “You’re a giant dick.” He said.

“I think you meant I _have_ a giant dick.” Jean replied, wiggling his eyebrow at the boy.

Eren laughed again, but his ears tinged slightly red, and he stood up slowly, brushing himself off. Jean followed suit, and the two gazed out onto the horizon in silence for a moment, appreciating the beauty of the ocean. Jean snuck a look at Eren, watching the as the boy’s messy locks became even more tousled in the wind. His eyes traced the boys jaw, and then examined a jeweled eye, still wet from the tears. His eyes travelled down his rounded nose to full lips; slightly parted a he stared off into the distance in awe.

He swallowed, looking away from the beautiful boy- just boy. The boy beside him. No beautiful.

“We should go.” Jean said, turning around to hide the tinge of pink in his cheeks as he headed back down the path. Eren nodded, moving to follow him down the path, but he tripped over a stone, “Jean!”

The taller boy turned around just in time for Eren to slam into his chest, knocking him back onto the ground. He closed his eyes and braced for impact, and Eren did the same. The ashen haired boy landed on his ass, legs ut and slightly bent, and Eren had landed straddling one leg with his hands on the boys chest. Their noses were centimeters away from each other, and they opened their eyes simultaneously.

Time was frozen again, but the heat creeping into the boy’s faces wasn’t. The sound of the ocean still played in the background, and the two could taste the salt on their tongues. However, they were both considering tasting the salt on each other’s tongues. But, being as oblivious as they were, even when both kept glancing down at each other’s lips, they were both still convinced that they didn’t like each other.

Time resumed and they each scrambled to their feet, blushing like a couple of awkward idiots.

“S-sorry.” Eren stuttered, scratching the back of his neck like he always did when he was embarrassed or uncomfortable.

“Yeah whatever…” Jean replied, looking to the side and running a hand through his hair, “Let’s get going, I’ll bring you home.”

Eren nodded, but then hesitated, “What about scuba diving?” he asked, following Jean down the path carefully.

“We’ll just go next weekend.” He promised, “I think that today has been eventful enough.”

Eren nodded in agreement as they got into the car, and this time around, he was the one to turn on the music. Albeit it was at a lower volume, but Eren didn’t want any awkward silence in the car.

The music didn’t really help.

Once they got to Eren’s house, he got out of the car and started to head up the path. But then he turned around, “Jean... d’ya wanna ome in?” He asked, looking to the side as his ears reddened slightly.

“Y’know Eren, you’re kind of cute when you blush.” He teased getting out of the car and heading up the path as well. He hadn’t even hesitated. Because he wanted to spend more time with the boy.

“Shut up horse face.” Eren snapped, heading up the path himself.

“Oooh, been awhile since you used that one.” He said with a grin, “It’s good to see you’re getting back to normal.”

_Will you still want me around once you’re better?_

Eren turned and offered Jean a half -hearted smile, “I’m trying.” He said, leading the other to his room.

The brunet immediately walked over to the bed and collapsed, exhausted from the emotional affairs of the afternoon. Jean sat in the desk chair and looked over at Eren, “Are you okay?”

“No.” Eren said honestly, sitting up and meeting Jean’s eyes, ‘But I think I will be.”

He smiled, and then Jean smiled. They both seemed unsure, almost nervous, but sincere.

The silence took over the room, but this time it wasn’t uncomfortable or tense. It was almost… nice.

Yeah, it was nice. And in that moment, Jean and Eren had an identical thught as they looked at each other.

_I could get used to this…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Wow, I get so excited whenever I look at the story because of all the support I'm getting. I know I say this every update, but I fucking love you guys. You are seriously the best and are the ones who inspire me to keep this story alive. well, you guys and the baes. Anyways, sorry my updates aren't on like a schedule. I try to update once a week roughly, but sometimes it takes longer than others. I'm trying to get better, but at least this chapter is early a thousand words longer than any of the others ^_^
> 
> Anyways, I hope you're enjoying the story as much as I'm enjoying writing it.
> 
> -Cat


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will these losers finally admit they like each other?

Chapter 7

            After all of the insanity that had taken place in the last weekend, it almost seemed strange for the two boys to return to the normalcy of high school. But come Monday morning, they found themselves sitting in their math class just like they had been doing for the past two months. The only difference was that the two now sat side by side, much to the surprise of their peers.

            To their professor, it was even more mind boggling, but he made no comment on the subject. In fact, the only one who made any sort of comment was Connie, and all he said was that the devil must be in his winter clothes if the two boys were getting along.

            It was almost like a silent agreement between the two that they would sit together in the classes they shared and walk with one another to the classes that they could. There wasn’t anything really unusual about it, save for the initial awkwardness. After two days though, it faded into a sort of ritual, and they began to talk to one another as they walked about mundane things.

            On occasion the two could be seen laughing with one another, or getting into small spats over unimportant things. During lunches, they still sat with their friends and spoke as though everything was normal. They didn’t insist on sitting next to each other, but when they got the chance they would. And they would still argue like they used too and occasionally throw punches, but there was no venom behind the words or malice behind the fists.

            Everyone noticed the changes, but no one commented on it because:

  1.       There was a change in Eren, and he seemed to be on the path t recovery
  2.       They had gotten sick of the boys fighting over the years anyways



And…

  1.       They had all called on the two dating and assumed that was what was happening.



So they all just hung out and chatted, making plans discussing dumb things as per usual. For the first time in a long time, Eren had begun to feel like himself again. Nightmares still plagued him, and he still felt pain and sadness; but no longer did he feel alone. And that was a tremendously amazing feeling.

“Hey Eren, are you ready for that tournament coming up in November?” Marco asked one day during the lunch period, “Coach thinks you’re a shoe in as champion.” He grinned.

The rest of the group made sounds of approval and agreement with the boy’s words.

“I’ve been working on my jabs and hooks.” He said casually, “I always have room for improvement, but I sure as hell think I have a shot.”

He smiled at his friends as they broke off into separate conversations, then he turned to the pair across the table from him. Jean and Marco sat side by side, and as Eren went to speak, he noticed something. The way that the freckled boy seemed to smile and the look in his eyes when he talked to Jean was…

He couldn’t put his finger on what it was, but it was bothering him.

“-Anyway, we should go catch that movie on Friday.” The freckled boy said enthusiastically, “I heard that it was really good.

“Yeah, sounds like a lot of fun.” Jean replied, taking a bite of his pizza. He turned to ask eren if he wanted to join them, but he was no longer seated across the table from him. He had disappeared which was weird since they had their next class together and usually walked to it together.

“Where’d he go?” he asked aloud to no one in particular.

“He said that he forgot to ask Mr. Ackerman something.” Krista said, turning back to Ymir and kissing her on the cheek.

Jean’s eyes searched the crowd near the school building, scanning for the tuft of brown harir. When he found it though, it wasn’t heading in the right direction. Where was he-

“Jean!” Connie shouted in his ear, caused him to turn quickly, right into the boy’s finger. The bald kid and Sasha started cracking up like it was the funniest thing in the world, and Jean smacked the asshole upside the head.

But when he turned to seek Eren out again, the boy was nowhere to be seen.

 

The brunet had instead headed for their biology classroom where he found his favorite teacher eating he lunch. She was a rather eccentric person, and fun to talk to. Her brunet hair was pulled up in it’s usual ponytail and she wore her glasses and signature lab coat.

“Hey Professor Hanji” Eren said, setting his bag in a chair and settling atop one of the desks.

“Eren!’ She cried happily, “What are you doing in here?” She asked.

“And where’s your boything?”

Eren’s ears tinged red, “He’s not my ‘boything’” he said quickly, looking to the side, “And we don’t go everywhere together.”

Hanji took a bite of her salad and laughed, “It sure seems like you guys have been attached at the hip these past few days.” She said wiggling her eyebrows at him, “I thought you guys might have _discovered_ each other this weekend.” She said suggestively, causing Eren to flame up.

“You’re such a pervert!” He exclaimed, “You’re a teacher!”

“Yes I am.” She said, “A _biology_ teacher.” She added, “As the teacher who teaches you about the reproductive system, I am allowed to talk to students about sex.”

“Not in that way!”

“What way?”

Eren let out a frustrated groan, “Never mind.”

Hanji laughed, looking thoroughly satisfied with herself as she turned back to her lunch.

“Besides, I’m pretty sure Jean and Marco have a _thing_ ” Eren muttered quietly.

“Oh?” Hanji’s eyebrows rose with interest as she glanced over at Eren over the top of her lenses, her eyes flashed with interest, “And is this ‘thing’” She said with a giggle, “Making you jealous?”

“I’m not jealous!” he snapped, “Why would I be jealous of Jean and Marco?’

“I don’t know,” Hanji said with a grin, “Why would you Eren? You’ve only become so much happier since you two started hanging out.”

Eren shot a glare at her and tched, ‘He’s just helping me through some stuff because I needed a _friend._ ” He said stubbornly, “Nothing more.”

Of course he didn’t bother to mention how every time he received a message from the boy, he couldn’t stop the small smile on his lips. Or the fact that in the moments Jean had held him close or looked into his eyes his heart would race. Because those things didn’t _really_ happen. Or at least- Eren would deny to himself and everyone around him that those things happened.

“Suuuureeee.” Hanji said, pushing up her glasses and tightening her ponytail, “That’s why you came in here pouting to talk to me right?”

“Oh shut up.” Eren huffed, grabbing his backpack, “I don’t even know why I come and talk to you.”

Hanji just laughed, “You’re so mean to me, but that’s okay. Teasing you is entertaining.”

Eren turned and stuck his tongue out at the eccentric woman, then he marched out of the room, ears still tinged pink.

“I don’t _like_ Jean. He can go out with whoever ‘cause it doesn’t matter.” He muttered to himself, as though he had to verbally convince and assure himself.

_I just like being around him…_

_And talking to him…_

_And having him close…_

He shook his head as the bell rang, snapping him out of his thoughtful stupor.

_I don’t like him._

Eren didn’t talk much to Jean for the rest of the school week, which confused Jean greatly. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to bring on the sudden change in behavior, and the only thing he could come up with was that Eren was bipolar. And it agitated him.

The brunet’s behavior hadn’t reverted back to the emotionless state, but he seemed a bit less enthusiastic and didn’t talk as much to Jean even when they walked to classes together and sat near each other. Jean figured that the boy might just need a little bit of space with everything that had happened, so he backed off a little bit. But come Friday, it had been three whole days, and the ashen haired boy was easily frustrated with the situation

Naturally, considering their confrontational history, Jean decided that he would talk to the boy after practice that day. As he waited around in the locker room after practice for the other to finish his extra laps, he thought about how strange it was that their relationship had changed so quickly. It was bizarre how someone that he’d always assumed he’s dislike had rapidly become such a large component in his life. All it took was one night.

He blushed at that thought.

_I didn’t mean like **that** kind of one night. I meant like it had been very emotional. Not that I have to explain this to myself. I’m not trying to convince anyone. Who would I even need to convince- there’s no one here…_

He face palmed, dragging the hand down his face in frustration, “Why are my thoughts so fucking weird?” He complained aloud.

Then he jumped as the locker room door opened and Eren walked in. Tan arms and legs were covered in a slight sheen of sweat, as was the boy’s face. A few strands of messy hair stuck to his forehead, and he was flushed and breathing hard from the run.

The image of Eren sweaty and flushed for a whole other reason flashed through Jeans mind, causing him to choke a little on his own saliva. Mismatched eyes darted towards the foreign sound, and Eren tensed before he registered the pink faced Jean sitting on one of the benches. He relaxed and offered him a tired smile.

“Why are you still here dick head?” Eren asked, tugging his shirt over his head as he walked towards his locker. Jean swallowed, trying to will the flush away while watching back muscles tense and relax as Eren rolled his shoulders.

“I- um…” He regained his composure and stood up to walk over and lean against the locker next to Eren’s, “I just wanted to know why you’ve been acting weird since Tuesday?”

Eren froze, biting his lip as he forced himself to continue about his business, “I haven’t be-“

“Bullshit.” Jean interrupted sharply, “You disappeared Tuesday at lunch and have been acting weird ever since.”

The boy crossed his arms and looked at Eren expectantly, so the brunet closed the locker with his towel and soap in hand, Look, I just realized that we got very close all of a sudden and that I was taking you away from time you could be spending with... With Marco.” He said, looking to the side in discomfort. He turned and headed for the shower, “So I’m giving you space to continue with whatever you have with him…”

Jean was shocked, “What are you-“

Then realization donned on him as he followed the boy quickly, “Wait! Eren, there’s nothing… I don’t… Me and Marco…”

He wasn’t sure what to say, or why he was so embarrassed as he said it.

Eren, hiding his flushing cheeks and jealous eyes by keeping his back to Jean, replied with, “It’s not my business… You and freckles are free to do whatever…”

Jean felt an irrational amount of frustration, and he grabbed Eren’s wrist, “I don’t even like Marco like that, and I don’t get why you’re acting so weird!”

“I’m not acting weird!”

“Yeah you are!”

“Marco likes you!”

“So what!?”

Eren spun around, “So I’m… nothing…”

“I don’t understand why you’re acting like this!” Jean yelled, voice echoing off the walls of the locker room. It was obvious that both of the boys were frustrated and agitated with one another.

“Because I’m… You’re… Argh…” Eren’s face flushed and shook off Jean’s hand, “It doesn’t matter!”

Jean glared at the brunet as he tried to turn away again, and grabbed his shoulder. He spun the boy around and shoved him back against the wall, “Stop trying to fucking walk away like that.” He growled, “You keep changing your mind on me and keep acting strange and I think that after everything that’s happened, I deserve a god damned explanation. So put on your big girl panties and fucking talk to me asshole!”

Eren looked up into the golden brown eyes of the taller boy, and he grabbed the front of his shirt like was about to push him away, but he didn’t. lips parted to speak, but no words escaped his lips. _I’m jealous…_ But he couldn’t say it. Fingers tightened in the cotton material, but instead of pushing Jean away, he pulled him down, crashing their mouths together ungracefully. The kiss was sloppy, and poorly executed, but it still caused a fluttering sensation in the brunet’s stomach.

_Butterflies? Really?_

Jean was frozen in place, eyes wide and staring at the boy in front of him. He couldn’t move or react to the warm, slightly chapped lips pressed to his own, and when Eren realized the other wasn’t responding, he felt a stab shoot straight through his chest. He pulled back, mismatched eyes opening and staring up at Jean. The taller boy watched as those beautiful di-colored orbs welled with tears and the boy began to tremble.

Eren’s head began to spin, _why would I do that? Did I think that he would kiss me back? How could he even… Why would he feel that way for me? He… he knows that I’m broken, and damaged, and a freak. Why would he want someone with so much baggage…He wouldn’t. No one would._

Tan fingers released their hold on the other’s shirt, and he began to physically tremble as his tears began to spill over, “I’m sorry…” He whispered, “I- I… Sorry.”

Then he pushed Jean to the side and ran, stooping to grab his duffel bag and darting out of the room with tears in his eyes. The taller boy tried to grab him, but the brunet was too fast for him, and he was left in the locker room with the ghost of a kiss on his lip and a heavy feeling in his heart.

“Fuck!” He yelled, slamming a foot into a locker. He hadn’t reacted. He hadn’t smiled, or kissed back, or said anything. He had just stood there like a fucking idiot and watched the other break down and run.

“I always fuck up! I need to go find him.” He slammed Eren’s open locker shut and grabbed his own bag, running out the door and looking around frantically, but the brunet had already gone.

**Message Sent: Eren please come back**

**Message Sent: We need to talk about this**

**Message Sent: I didn’t mean to hurt you**

**Message Sent: Can we meet up**

He headed towards his car, frustrated with everything that had happened, but it wasn’t until he was buckled in and had the key in ignition that his phone buzzed.

**Message Received: There’s nothing to talk about. I was out of line. Have fun with Marco.**

“Why is he so fucking stubborn all of the time?” He said in frustration, running a hand through the longer hairs on top of his head. He picked up his phone and texted Marco.

**Message Sent: Something happened. Can I take a rain check for Sunday?**

Then he pulled out of the lot and headed for the Jaeger household to find his… trying to figure out what Eren was to him was too much a headache in itself.

 

Eren, who had made beeline for his car the moment he was out of the locker room, and he had made it home in record time. In fact, by the time Jean had arrived, he was finishing up in the shower. Jean, who had been let in by Mikasa, sat on the boy’s bed waiting for him to return to the room. Sitting in the bed, Jean could smell Eren, and the scent calmed him.

Not in a weird way…

_Is there even a not weird way to look at that…_

Eren entered the room in a pair of sweat, water still dripping from his hair, and Jean stood up immediately, “Eren-“

“Why are you here?” Eren said, voice slightly panicked and expression a cross between confused and hurt. He looked as though he might just dart from the room, and Jean stood up and strode to the door, shutting it.

“You didn’t even give me a chance to respond or talk with you.” Jean said, frustration leaking into his voice, “You just ran off again!”

Eren backed, up, trying to put some distance between Jean and himself, but he bumped into the dresser. He avoided Jean’s eyes, instead looking at a shirt on the ground a few feet away,  “You didn’t… I shouldn’t have kissed you.” He said, throat thick and words heavy on his tongue, “I should’ve known that you wouldn’t want someone like me…”

Jean moved towards Eren and grabbed his chin, forcing him to meet his gaze, “You’re a presumptuous idiot.” he said, leaning down and bumping their noses, “Stop giving up before you give things a chance dumbass.”

Then their lips touched, ever so gently. Eren’s eyes fluttered shut, and one of his hands rested on Jean’s chest. The other gently held the boy’s wrist, and Jean had one hand on the brunet’s shoulder and one still at his chin. This kiss was much different from the messy, in heat of the moment kiss from earlier. It was slow, and soft, and the two pairs of lips moved in sync with one another. All too soon, they had to break for air, and Eren’s tearful eyes looked up into Jean’s, and when they didn’t see any trace of dishonesty, he smiled softly.

“Jean-“

But Jean pressed a finger to his lips, “Every time we try to talk, there’s a misunderstanding. So let’s just talk later.” He said. Much to his relief, Eren smiled and nodded, hooking an arm around his neck and pulling him down to connect their lips once more.

_Kiss now, talk later. I can live with that._ The brunet smiled against Jean lips, and when Jean smiled, he felt his hear t flutter.

The two moved towards the bed, tripping over a few things as they went and laughing softly as they finally hit the mattress, lips still connected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ajiegjenge  
> I'm sorry this chapter took awhile guys. I just started my new job and am getting ready for graduation and it's been so fucking busy. Anyways, I'm on spring break this week, so I'm gonna try and get you guys another chapter to make up for my late one. Once again, I can not even begin to explain how much your support means to me, and how much it inspires me. Like literally, I don't know, nor have i ever met or talked to most of you, but you are some of the most important people in my life because you push me to continue writing and make me feel good about my writing. You are all the best, and I love you!  
> -Cat


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings are sorted out and stuffs.

Chapter 8

It wasn’t long after the two had settled into the soft mattress that the sun began to set. Dim orange light made its way through the open window, settling on the bodies of the two where they lay. Long legs were tangled and lips still connected in in harmony with one another as the sun disappeared for the day.

As Eren lay there, eyes closed and fingers tangled in ashen tendrils, everything felt surreal. Lids fluttered to reveal mismatched slits, and the brunet admired the other’s face in the dwindling light. Long lashes nearly touched sharp cheekbones, and the orange glow cast shadows across his face. The boy’s eyes slid shut, and his focus moved to the way Jean tasted. His mouth was warm, and it tasted of mint and copper. Strangely enough, Eren loved it.

Jean on the other hand, focused more on the way Eren smelled and felt beneath his hands. Tan skin was still slightly damp beneath his fingers, and it was alarmingly warm, almost like he’d been lying in the sun all day. Whenever the taller boy inhaled, he caught the earthy scent of the other, and he wondered what body wash he used. The scent reminded him of spring meadows or forests, something fresh and clean and… free…

After what seemed like an eternity, they final parted, eyes opening as they each realized that if they didn’t stop now then they may just continue through the night.

“So…” Eren said softly, a light flush, barely visible in the dim room, colored tan cheeks.

“So…” Jean replied with a grin.

“That was nice…” The brunet said awkwardly, unsure as to what they were even supposed to say at this point.

Jean just stared at Eren for a moment before bursting into laughter, which caused Eren to sit up with an indignant look on his face.

“Don’t laugh at me!” He puffed, crossing his arms and flushing a deeper red.

“I’m sorry.” Jean spluttered, not looking at all sorry as he sat up as well, “You’re just so good at describing shit.” He burst into laughter again.

Eren’s response was to shove the taller boy off his bed, cutting his laughter short. Jean tried to grab on to the bed, but ultimately, he ended up on the ground, huffing angrily. Now it was Eren’s turn to laugh, “That’s what you get for being such a dick.” He said, scooting away from the edge to avoid being dragged down as well.

The brunet stuck his tongue out at Jean and then let a crooked grin take over his face, and Jean couldn’t find it in him to actually get mad at the boy. He could, however, pretend that Eren didn’t have the effect on him that he did.

“At least I know more descriptive words than _nice._ ” He shot back, standing up and straightening out his clothing in a huff. He then crossed his arms and met the other’s eyes, “But seriously…”

Eren looked down, then back up, “Umm…”

The two sat there awkwardly for a moment before Eren finally piped up with a, “What bucket list thing do you wanna do this weekend?” It wasn’t exactly a subtle attempt to change the conversation, but it was an attempt.

Jean’s eyebrows shot up, and he sat down on the edge of the bed, “Well I was thinking that we could just relax and hang out this weekend and maybe knock camping off the list next weekend.” He said, “But I think that it’s time that we talk a little.”

Eren, who had perked up at the mention of camping, sagged back down with a sigh, I was afraid you might say that. He wasn’t sure what to say or how to address their situation. He did like Jean, and obviously the other felt the same, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to try for any sort of relationship; at least not while he was still unsure of how to sort out all of his feelings. What if he sorted through his feelings and realized that all of this was just because of his mixed emotions. Or worse, what if he realized that he really liked Jean and the other didn’t reciprocate. But thinking of Jean dating, or kissing, or having… relations… with anyone else made the brunet feel sick and upset and angry all at once.

The German was only dragged from his thoughts when he felt Jean touch his hand, “I don’t think that we should try to date.” He said seriously.

There was a crushing feeling in Eren’s chest, so painful it felt as though he couldn’t breathe, “Right.” Eren said, trying to hide the pain in his voice.

_He realized he made a mistake._

“I under-“

“Shut up for a second and stop jumping to conclusions dumbass.” Jean said, flicking Eren on the forehead. Eren bristled, looking like he was going to say something, but Jean just kept talking, “I don’t want us to jump into things when you’re so vulnerable.”

“I am no-“

“Yes.” Jean said, “You are.”

He stared straight into Eren’s eyes, almost as though he could see straight into the boy’s soul, and Eren fell silent. The way that Jean was looking at him was almost heartbreaking; it wa full of concern and affection, and sadness that Eren knew Jean had seen in him.

“I want to make sure that you aren’t confused, and that this is what you really want before we try to do anything.” He said solemnly, and all Eren could do was nod, “I wouldn’t have come and attacked you like I did, but I needed you to know that I really do… like you.” He flushed lightly.

Eren scooted over to Jean hesitantly, “Thanks…” He said, leaning forward on his knees to embrace the other awkwardly, “I understand.” He said, and this time, Jean knew it was true. He wrapped his arms around Eren, and the awkwardness melted away. When they pulled away, each of the two was slightly flushed and each had small smiles on their lips.

“I should probably head home before my mom freaks.” Jean said, running a hand through his hair as he stood up. Eren scrambled to his feet as well, scratching his neck nervously. He looked up at Jean and bit his lip in contemplation, then he stood of his toes and kissed the taller boy on the cheek before striding towards the door.

Jean was surprised and turned crimson as he watched Eren walk towards the door. When Eren turned around with a crooked grin, Jean nearly died-

“Thanks for coming over douche bag.” Eren said, shaking Jean out of his daze.

“Yeah, whatever dick head.” He responded, relaxing at the feeling of normalcy that had returned. The brunet’s grin widened as he escorted Jean out, happy that they had seemed to restore the easy atmosphere that they had developed around one another.

After saying their goodbyes, Jean drove home with a smile on his face, and Eren headed back into his room to sit on his bed. He brought a finger to his lips, still feeling the tingle from the sweet kisses the two had shared.

 

The following morning, Jean woke up when his mother walked in and opened his blinds at around ten in the morning.

“Time to get up Jeanbo.” She said brightly, turning to face him. His mother was of average size and full of life. Kind brown eyes with soft, fine lines around them met his own amber hues. Light brown hair was laced with grey and pulled up into a messy bun. The soft crinkles around her mouth and eyes indicated that she had smiled and laughed a lot during her life. Even in her forties, she looked young and vibrant, still slim, but less fit than she must have been in her younger years.

Her voice had a slight lilt to it, hints of what was once a heavy French accent, “I’ve made croissants and eggs.” She said with a smile as she made her way towards the bed.

Jean yawned and sat up, only to have his cheek pinched by the woman.

“Oi-“ He objected, swatting her hand away with a grimace.

She just smiled at him and pushed his messy hair from his forehead so that she could kiss it, “Hurry up and join me for coffee.” She said, sweeping from the room with grace that made Jean wonder why he himself always seemed to be tripping on his own feet.

Once she had shut the door, the tall boy sat up and stretched, turning one way to crack up his spine, then the other. A yawn escaped his lips, and he picked up his phone. He immediately saw his best friend’s name light up the screen.

**Message Received from Marco: Hey, you busy today. You owe me lunch for ditching me last night.**

Jean grinned, quickly typing a message in response that he would swing by the boy’s house later and pick him up. Then he tossed the phone onto the bed and headed down the stairs for breakfast with his mother, after which he jumped in the shower and got ready to go pick up his freckled friend from his family’s home.

He pulled up to the house in a pair of dark jeans and a dark red and grey striped V-neck shirt. He parked in the spot out front and, after a moment of thought, decided to go ahead and say hello to Marco’s family. He got out of the car and straightened out his clothing, locking the car before walking up towards the house he was so familiar with.

The Bodt’s weren’t wealthy, but they weren’t poor, they were strictly a middle class family. There home was once floor, pale yellow, and had this warmth about it that just told people that a happy family lived there. The yard was well kept, but a few toys were scattered on the grass, and there was a stone path leading up to the front door. A small tree in the middle of the grass was slowly starting to wilt, the leaves turning from green to vibrant oranges and reds. Jean walked up the familiar path and up to the white front door.

It swung open before he had even knocked, and something was suddenly wrapped around his waist, “Jeanbo!” a high pitched voice squeaked. Jean looked down and smiled at the dark brown braids of the small girl attached to him.

“Hey Marcy.” He said, patting the seven year old’s head affectionately, “Where’s your mom?”

The girl detached and looked up at him with huge brown eyes and freckles, “She’s baking cookies!” She said excitedly, taking Jean’s hand and tugging him towards the kitchen where he found Chelsea Bodt bustling around in her apron. When he entered the room, she looked up and her worn features split into a wide smile.

Marco’s mother was ironically short and plump in comparison to her son’s tall, lithe form. Her long dark hair was streaked with grey and pulled back in a messy French braid, and he face was kind and creased with laughter lines.

“Jean, you haven’t been around in a while.” She scolded playfully, folding her arms around him in a warm embrace. He could smell the cookies baking as a warm feeling spread through him. The taller boy hugged the stout woman, a guilty expression on his face.

“Sorry mom.” He said, scratching the back of his neck and looking at her as she stepped back to look at him.

“So what’s been occupying your time young man?” She teased, tapping him on the shoulder with the wooden spoon she was holding. There was a knowing glint in her eyes as she met the golden hues, and Jean looked at her with surprise. Marco wouldn’t-

“Would that be a certain Eren Jaeger? The very same Eren that you used to complain about every single day while I nursed your scrapes and bruises.” She said, cocking an eyebrow at him and clicking her tongue.

Jean turned bright red, head swinging to glare at Marco as he strode into the kitchen with a wide smile, “Hey Je-“ He froze, looking between the boy and his mother.

“I told you not to tell him!”

“You told your mom!” They each yelled.

The woman just laughed, “Go on and get out, you guys have plans right.” She said, shooing them from the kitchen and turning to ask Marcy to help her mix as the boys headed for the door arguing under their breaths.

“What did you tell your mom?”

“Just that you’ve been helping Eren through some stuff; why is it a big deal?”

“It’s not!”

“Then why are you angry?”

“I’m not!”

Finally they were outside and Marco turned to face him with a curious look, “You’re acting defensive.” He said, voice at a normal volume.

“I was just taken by surprise.” Jean replied, crossing his arms.

“Is something go-“

“Nothing is going on!” Jean replied too quickly.

Marco raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms, “Oh really?” He said, “I’m your best friend Jean, I know when you’re lying to me.”

The two got into the car and Jean sighed, “I know.” He said in defeat, pulling the seatbelt across his chest and buckling himself in. Marco mirrored his actions whilst wearing a smile of success.

“Now spill.”

Jean looked out the window, then met Marco’s eyes, “I… I like Eren.” He admitted, knowing that there was no point in beating around the bush, “I waited for him in the locker room yesterday to see what was up since he’d been acting weird.”

Marco nodded in understanding, still smiling although Jean could see a hint of disappointment in his eyes.

“He… mentioned the way that you looked at me and how he thought we… like, me and you… liked each other.” He continued, carefully examining  Marco’s face, “Then he kissed me, and I was too shocked to respond, so he freaked out and ran away.”

Marco nodded, “That’s why you had to skip out last night.” He said in understanding, “Did you guy talk?”

“Yeah, about a few different things.” He said, not elaborating, ”But I wanted to talk to you because.. well… Do you like me?” He asked awkwardly.

Then it was Marco’s turn to blush, “I’ve always had a little crush on you…” Marco admitted, looking at his lap, “But like, I’m not in love with you or anything.” He said quickly.

He looked up at Jean and smiled, “I think I more had a crush on the idea of you to be honest.” He continued, “I mean, you’re attractive, you get along with my family and know me better than I know myself, and like… yeah. But I would never risk our friendship, and…” he looked away, “I’ve been talking to someone.” He added at the end, blushing.

Jean nodded in understanding, finally starting up the car, “Thank you for telling me the truth.” The ashen haired boy said.

“If anything, I’m more jealous of the fact that he’s been monopolizing your time.” Marco said, “But that’s unfair of me.”

“No it’s not, I’ve been really occupied lately with him, and I’m sorry. I promise I’ll start to make more time for you.” He said, heading towards the sandwich shop that they frequented, “Now.” He started with a grin, “Why don’t you tell me about this mystery boy.”

The rest of the ride and afternoon was spent as usual, comfortable and easy. Jean teased Marco about the mystery boy and Marco teased Jean about Eren. Then they talked about an array of different subjects as they ate. The two were as they had always been-best friends. Jean briefly thought about what would have happened if him and Marco had started dating. It would be easy and natural, but he couldn’t bring himself to think about the boy in that light. It just didn’t feel the same.

As much as he was reluctant to admit it, he didn’t want nice and easy. He wanted wild and crazy. He wanted to be surprised and angry and passionate. He wanted mismatched Caribbean eyes and messy chocolate hair. He wanted things to be more than easy, and to be worth everything in the end. He wanted Eren.

The evening came and Jean dropped Marco off at home and headed to his own house to make a checklist of what they would need for the camping trip. Neither of them had ever been camping, son he knew that they’d need everything… But he wasn’t sure what exactly everything was; So he sat down at his computer and thanked the google gods.

Golden eyes scanned the screen, making mental notes of the items that they would need for their trip. He was so focused, that when his phone suddenly chimed.

**Message Received from Eren: Hey I was thinking we could make it a group trip?**

**Message Received: It would be a lot of fun**

**Message received: Also less expensive with more ppl. Plus we kno nothing bout camping**

Jean read over the messages and smiled, clicking his tongue.

**Message Sent: You have the shittiest grammar**

**Message Sent: and I’m cool with that. Reiner probably has gear so we won’t have to buy as much.**

Jean set his phone to the side and started looking up different camping sites that they could potentially go to. He had found three by the time his phone chimed again.

**Message Received: We can ask evry1 on Monday**

**Message Received: Nd suk my cock grammar nazi**

Jean shook his head and laughed as a smirk played on his lips.

**Message Sent: Maybe later ;)**

He didn’t get a reply for Several minutes.

**Message Received: Shut up horseface**

Jean couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled out of his chest as he imagined Eren’s flushed face. As much as he was still hesitant to admit it, he was definitely in like with Eren Jaeger. The ashen haired boy just couldn’t get those mismatched eyes out of his head, and at this point, he didn’t really want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I have to apologize for taking so long with this chapter. Honestly I have barely even had time for sleep between school and work, but still, I'm really sorry I took so long guys. Anyways, we are finally getting into the more JeanEren stuff now, so everyone be happy lol. I want to thank you guys for all of the support and comments and stuff I've been getting, it makes me happy and smile and just- you guys really make my day. You're the best ad I love you guys. I'm gonna try and get back on track with my updates, but I can't promise that I'll succeed. Just stick it out with me until the end of May, then I'll have more time. Promise.  
> Love Cat

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I'm Cat. This is the first work that I am officially posting. I have a number of one shots and stared fics on my computer, but I have always bee afraid to post. Thanks to some encouragement from my beautiful girlfriend though, I have finally decided to post. I really hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.
> 
> Comments, feedback, suggestions, and constructive criticisms are welcome. I want to learn to be the best writer that I can, so any input from you guys would be great. Thank you.
> 
> Enjoy!


End file.
